the disney lover who’s disappointed in disney :-(

For all who want to know what’s been going on with me today (Wednesday) I’m gonna give you a detailed description because while in the grand scheme of life IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL, it caused a big, embarrassing problem for me AND I’d be willing to bet has happened to one of you without you even knowing.

I was gifted a $100 Disney Store GC. I couldn’t wait to use it. After going to the store in our nearby mall they suggested I go online that there’s a huge selection of adult sweats and PJ’s and things I was looking for. So that’s what I did.

Mickey-MouseMy order came to $103.68. I was proud of myself thinking “I got what I wanted and was only $3.68 over! Go me!”. So I put my GC info in, it accepts it and acknowledges it has a $100 on it. It then asks for my credit card number for the balance. Didn’t seem strange to me, I put in my card number, hit send and went on my way.

To add to this before I get to the good part you must understand I’ve done this with other large retailers A ZILLION times! Your items exceed your GC so they charge the balance to your debit/credit card or PayPal. (Disney didn’t offer PayPal)

In fact I just did this with Nordstoms with a pair of boots using a GC I saved from my bday.  I’ve done it with Amazon, Target and definitely Zappos before and never a snag or glitch or sketchy-ness like this AND THIS IS DISNEY!!!!!

On Monday mid-morning I check my balance online and see that the Disney Store charged my bank account $103.68, the entire amount of my purchase. At this point I’m just confused and thinking I clicked something wrong and inadvertently charged the full amount to my card. I call Disney and get a nice lady who proceeds to explain to me that it’s just a hold on my card but that it’ll release the funds the next morning. That indeed my $100 GC was applied. It DID NOT sit well with me nor make one bit of sense but I was busy and glad to hear it would be back in my account the next day. I reiterate, something didn’t seem right then and I did question her multiple times and was sort of appalled at the time but again, life got busy and I went about my busy afternoon with the kids. I now know from the Disney manager that while they hold those funds when I called on Monday questioning it she should’ve explained the process but reversed that $$ so none of this would’ve transpired. So that was an error on Disney’s part.

Tuesday was busy, it came and went and I didn’t even think about it with so much else swirling in my head right now.

I’d also like to remind all who are reading this I’m a hardcore Disney fan. I’m an annual Passport holder and have never had any bad experiences dealing with Disney or Disneyland in the 38 years I’ve been going. They generally have amazing customer service even in an era when customer service is basically a thing of the past and like I said the other day on Facebook, it’s great when you call, they end it with “and have a magical day!”. Who doesn’t want to hear THAT all the time?!?!

Okay back to today, Wednesday.

So today while dealing with another business situation, I get an email from my  brand new imagine_box_abank, Wells Fargo, that (even with overdraft protection) the ONE CHECK I’ve ever written (because I was busy and couldn’t get to the place for a money order) had been returned NSF. I gasped. I refreshed my iPhone. How could this be? I knew it was a tight week but I had been VERY careful and calculated properly. WTF?!?

Now my car payment is late AND will be returned which just makes me look irresponsible and shady when here I had done EVERYTHING in my power to ensure no complications.

I then look and notice that the erroneous $103.68 Disney charge was still showing on my account. Well now I’m BEYOND hysterical. Quietly hysterical. But hysterical. How dare anyone hold MY money without cause from my account #1 and #2 WTF now they’ve created a chain reaction in my account and possibly others.

AND THIS IS DISNEY!!! IT WASN’T FEELING SO MAGICAL TODAY!!!

Well I will spare you the step by step details because OF COURSE it was not just one phone call to Disney or my bank to resolve. There were many. I lost count at some point. Thank god for earpieces and the kids having an afternoon activity so I could use the time to try to resolve this.

I’ve dealt with this all the way up to management at both places and will be getting a follow-up call from Disney later this week just so no one thinks I need help figuring out who to contact, I’ve done my due diligence on every side. And I’m not letting this go on principle. If it’s legitimately an error, I’d expect SOMETHING from Disney as an apology, but so far, it’s just seeming like a scam that they may or may not be getting away with.

Wells Fargo says they have NEVER heard of a retailer of any size holding money on a debit card when a GC is used. That of course I’d be responsible for the charges above the cost of the GC but they agreed and confirmed that there should only be a $3.68 but that they couldn’t do anything on their end, I needed to contact Disney and go that route and from there “we will see what we can resolve here quickly” they told me. My biggest frustration was that an erroneous charge is what caused an NSF situation on an important check and Wells Fargo explained that unfortunately because of what Disney appeared to have done, they couldn’t do anything to help with that now. Ok. Off to call Disney.

Again I get a lovely person, they’re all so perky and friendly. And after several go arounds I sorta get nowhere. It’s explained that this is their policy and they’re so sorry but in 3-5 business days the authorization will disappear and only the $3.68 will show on my account. Well this was not an acceptable resolve since it was no resolve just merely a shrug in my opinion. So I ask to speak to a manager and explain I’m not mad at the person I’m talking to, I’m just frustrated and mortified over my NSF check and really resent having that happen to me because of a most bizarre policy of Disney’s.

This went round and round because one employee would say they could get the money back in my account within an hour if Disney did “xyz”. So I call Wells Fargo get said info call Disney back, and of course get someone new and have to re-explain and when I give them said requested info they tell me they can’t do that they’re only able to do incoming calls and no faxes. ::head hits desk::

The end result is that I have dealt with management at both Wells Fargo and Disney somewhat extensively yet patiently. I’m angry and want some resolve as well as something for all my trouble and time. It IS Disney after all.

Wells Fargo has been beyond apologetic and helpful in attempting to resolve this matter. I have no complaints from them. I AM going to inquire further about overdraft because I AM enrolled in that and unclear why it didn’t help in this situation.  But otherwise they were as wonderful as a bank could be. I have no complaints about them.

Disney is a different story. I’m beyond appalled. Disappointed. Disgusted. Frustrated. And frankly feel scammed. After speaking to the upper level manager (prob on call #4 to them) he explained that this IS their policy. To reiterate, even if you use a GC on their site they will hold the funds off your debit card for up to 7-days. SEVEN. I made clear how disgusted I was with this and how unacceptable I find it. He tried to explain why to which I referenced the above mentioned retailers that are able to ship quickly and they don’t hold double my money in order to do so. That was part of his reasoning. I call bullshit. If the website can tell me the card has $100 on it, why can’t it accept a GC as payment??

I have not had a chance to go online and play with the site to see if you buy something JUST with a GC what happens but he claimed that it would ask for a CC#. Again,  appalling. I made him clarify and repeat that one multiple times because essentially he’s saying even if you have a $1000 GC but no cc you wouldn’t be able to finalize your purchase online.

Just to reiterate, he was a VERY nice man and very well versed and well spoken and clearly had lots of background and knowledge on this subject and I’m certain he did not make up these rules but I made clear how wrong that seemed to me and how after 38 years I have now had an awful Disney experience and was very disappointed.

So far the best Disney has done is reverse the $100 charge with Visa (which likely will take 24-48 MORE hours to show up in my account). Watch, the package will arrive before the refund happens!

He has asked me to please speak directly with their billing dept who does not normally interface with customers but he wants me to go through all of this with them. They’ll be calling me tomorrow supposedly. Trust me, I have PLENTY to tell them. I’m appalled and the more time goes by the more outraged I become that with the thousands of dollars a year I’ve spent at Disneyland in the past few years, THIS was going down.  I hear people complain about them all the time, and I have NEVER had anything but amazing experiences.

Wells Fargo’s resolve is that they will send me a letter as well as one for the recipient of the NSF check apologizing and stating clearly that this wasn’t my fault and that any additional charges incurred (fees or other fallout from this check) would be reimbursed immediately. (Which as I thought about it over the hours since the phone calls, why is Wells Fargo cleaning up Disney’s mess?? It was like when Otterbox cleaned up Apple’s mess!!!)

So, for now, the moral of this story is DO NOT SHOP DISNEY ONLINE and if you do, make sure you check your CC statement and/or bank statement to verify you were not double charged. Wells Fargo seems to think that this would’ve cleared my account and I would’ve been doubly charged and perhaps this is a scam they’re pulling off. Which would break this Disney lovers heart if it was true, but sadly, I’m not so sure they’re incorrect.

I’m sorry for the dramatics. It was a very emotional, stressful situation, on top of I was at work and had kids to watch and take care of and this was not scheduled into my day.

I will update tomorrow or Friday if and when I hear from these billing people and/or when the refund goes through and the package arrives! This should be interesting to say the least.

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“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans….” ~ John Lennon

IMG_2023healing is a weird thing.

we don’t know when it’ll happen.

we can wait for it endlessly.

we can pray for it. cry about it. and we can wait. but it doesn’t happen until you’re ready.

no matter what you do.

i’ve cried all the tears.

i’ve been angry. i’ve been sad. i’ve been patient.

i’ve been madly in love. more in love than i’ve ever been in my life.

i would never ever regret the love. the emotions. the way it felt to be with him. the way he made me feel. the way he helped me heal.

but today the love goggles came off and somehow, i realized that you can hurt me once, but you can’t hurt me twice because i have natural walls that just pop-up and i will push you away.

i thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. imagine_box_a

i thought he was “the one”.

he wasn’t ready. and i got tired of waiting.

today i found i’m finally healing.

i’m sure there’ll be rough days. and sad days and days where i ask “why”.

there’ll be days songs come on the radio and i spontaneously break out sobbing.

but for now. i’m moving on. i’m ready. i’m stronger than i’ve been. i’m facing reality that i want to be happy.

i want my happily ever after and i am wasting time with someone who isn’t ready for theirs, which is only going to lead to further, harder heart-break down the road.

i deemed this “the year about me”………about me making choices that make ME happy. that fulfill MY needs. ones that i’ve chosen.

i deserve to be with someone who can’t live without me, not has trouble finding time to juggle me into his schedule.

after a year…….i have had enough.

i love him. oh how i love him. with all of my heart and soul. but love isn’t enough.

i need commitment.

i need forward momentum.

i need to feel needed. loved. wanted. ALL the time not just on weeks that are going well for someone else.

IMG_1816i know that there’s someone out there that can give me that.

……..and i will wait until i do.

in the meantime life moves forward. new changes coming my way soon, and maybe THIS, TODAY, had to happen before that could. i don’t know. i guess we’ll see.

life has a weird way of working out……and sometimes we just don’t know what that’s going to be until it does.

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8 years have flown by…….

8 years ago today, my roommate and closest friend Rachel and my other BFF Lindsay and I, got into my (stupid) Ford Exploder and drove up to the land of sod grass, Tehachapi, CA to pick-up my puppy from the breeder.  (I have allergies to dogs and needed to be sure it was hair and not fur.)
I first named her Emma but quickly changed it to Riley, which has proven to be the PERFECT name for my amazingly perfect dog. My Riley Roo.
She’s the best friend anyone could ask for. Let’s face it, she’s super maintenance, but not how you’d think! It’s only because she’s not aware she’s a dog! Shhhhh!!!
I often think about it, and don’t know how I would’ve gotten through A LOT of the past 8-years without her. For company. To snuggle with. To have a purpose. And to have a reason to wake up every single day. ❤

Thank you Rachel & Lindsay for being part of the incredible memory of this day I cherish in my heart, but not my nose. LOL!!!!”Don’t worry, forgetting what it smelled like will be the best thing for her!”, said Lindsay astutely! What did I know,  I had never had my own dog!

And thank god for Lindsay or Emma may have never become Riley and gone right back where she came from.  As my little puppy vomited in my lap for the full 2.5 hour drive home, I was FREAKING OUT. Like in a hilarious, comedic way. Although at the time I wasn’t probably so funny. But you try having this thing barf in your crotch region for 2.5 hours and we’ll see how happy and cheery YOU are at the other end!! I digress, thankfully Lindsay knew how to bathe a puppy, and get her back to a cuddle-able, love-able looking thing.  Who if I recall just laid in her crate and slept while we all stared at her waiting her to do something.  (After the drive and the bath and the running and getting stuck on my carpet and under my bed I think she was pooped until of course the middle of the night!)

And of course KFC will never be the same. YOU sit in the drive thru waiting for them to tee-toddle around getting you your FIREY (aka fiery) boneless buffalo wings with said vomited puppy in your lap!!!!

Once again, THANK GOD for Lindsay bathing her!!

I love you Riley Roo, you are the best friend, quiet confidante and partner in crime I could ever ask for! And only get cuter and cuter with time! Here’s to 8 more years together taking on the world! I could post pictures for days and days and days but I think the internet has seen enough of her…….for now!

These are some of my all time favorites……..

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sometimes you just need a time out.

well, no i haven’t abandoned my blog. i mean, i did momentarily, but i find that i do that when i’m feeling especially negative or especially private and protective. i just need a time out.

that’s where i’ve been.

it’s been a rough few weeks and moreover i’m having a hard time accepting the need for changes in my life so i’m choosing to play ostrich and just hide my head in the proverbial sand.

i love my job. i love those kids but i’m exhausted.  i feel that i’m never able to give them enough of me anymore. i have no patience and all i do for 6+ hours a day is bark commands. i feel like every day ends as a failure lately and i’m depleted. i read what you mommies say and your posts so i know i’m not alone in these feelings, we ALL have weeks/months/ days like this, but i’m not the mommy and to constantly feel this way is weighing heavy on my heart.

i’m constantly stressed out. i’m not able to do enough. i’m not able to finish it all. i’m not able to get everyone where they need to be. i’m not able to let the baby sleep. the list goes on and on and the guilt just piles up.

i try desperately to have a social life but i’m so exhausted (and thus miserable) lately, i can sleep through my weekends.  i barely make it out of the house. i’m going this week for a blood test to make sure it’s TRULY exhaustion and not something more serious i should be worrying about.  correction, rule out something more serious since i already have myself dying and writing my own eulogy. (not really, insert laughter)

i’m starting to eat my feelings again and it scares me. my weight loss and feeling good about myself is mostly what i’ve had for the past year to keep in control and i need that again.  i’m back on track as of today and as always i believe being aware of the behavior helps to keep it in check. or at least for me it does. i want to change it so i am on top of it and i will change my behavior that was allowing me to eat more than necessary.

the biggest change that i’ve been hinting at but not quite ready to talk about is that i ended things with my boyfriend. i love him more than i’ve ever loved anyone before and my heart is broken. but i deserve to be more of a priority to someone than he was able to give me and after almost a year together it was obvious i needed to make a change. he did nothing intentionally wrong to hurt me, so the fat lady doesn’t have to have sung, but in the meantime, i have a life that’s speeding by me and i’m not one to just sit still, and that’s what was happening.

walking away from someone i love (again) is yet again one of the hardest things i’ve ever done. i hope he comes around. he cleans up the BS in his life that he needs to attend to, and then we can be together. but, that’s me dreaming, reality is, he’s too wrapped up into his own drama and life to be in a life with me.

i didn’t come to this decision easily.  it didn’t happen overnight. i know i did the right thing but it doesn’t make it any easier. my heart is still broken, my dreams shattered. my get-up-and-go a little slower and my positivity, MIA. but i’m working on it.  like i said, i have my good days and my bad days. don’t we all anyway??

i’ve had enough of my house-guest once and for all.  this november is 4 yeas since we broke up and almost 2 full years of my hospitality. i’m done.  he’s gone this week and i’m not one to air dirty laundry in it’s entirety, but, there’s a strong possibility that the locks will be changed before he returns.  charley can stay. he needs to go ASAP. he’s the icing on the cake of my pretty much miserable existence these days.

i’m struggling with my life here in los angeles.

why i’m here.

do i want to stay.

the last of my closest friends just moved away and while i didn’t see her often, i fee l so alone and so abandoned.

but if i were to leave where would i go? what would i do?

where DO i belong??

do i want to leave because i’m running away FROM something or because i’m running TO something???
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to the ‘lil man in my life…..

today is a year since we met.

you came into our lives sorta at a saunter, not exactly quickly. for god’s sakes you were late! 😉

you had my heart from the moment i saw you. just like your siblings.

your tiny little feet. your sweet little lips. your little fluff of brown hair.

i held you for the first time and i remember thinking how monumental that was. it was a year ago today. you were 1 day old.

it’s been quite a year, and you’ve been there through it all. people may not understand, but when you don’t have colleagues or coworkers, the children in your life become your sidekicks or partners in crime.

you’ve made me a better person.

you’ve helped me become who i’m meant to be.

in the year since you arrived i found my voice.

i found my inner traci.

i lost 50 lbs.

i look in the mirror and don’t recognize that reflection looking back at me, but i know its me.

YOU motivated me.

YOU helped me do this.

YOU have been there through the laughter and the tears.

without you, i don’t know how i would’ve gotten through some days.

you are an angel.

you are a love-bug.

you make my heart explode every single time i see your face.

before you arrived i didn’t know how i possibly had room to love another child. i love your brother and sister with all that i am, how could i possibly love another. and yet do i ever.

somehow, we are bonded. i don’t know what it is, but i feel something special between us.

maybe it’s my projecting, knowing you could very well be the last baby that i raise.

the last of the firsts as your mommy so eloquently calls them.

you have a heart of gold lil man, and i am so lucky to be a part of your world.

i can’t ever tell you how grateful i am for all that you’ve done for me, just by being you.

when i’m not with you, you are always on my mind and in my heart.

no matter where you are, no matter where i am, i will ALWAYS be here for you. for your brother and your sister.

i love you like you are my own.

i want only what’s best for you. for you to be happy.

always be true to yourself.

you’re the apple of my eye and i wish you a very happy 1st birthday.

i love you brady bear! xoxo

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Dreams……

life has a funny way of working out. or not working out rather. keep-calm-and-believe-in-dreams-8

i started blogging to be able to write, unedited, unjudged and i love it. i don’t write to gain an audience or clicks, i write to enjoy myself. and when i stop enjoying myself, i stop writing on my blog.

i thought i was going to turn this into a business of sorts but the further i’ve delved into the genre the less i have an interest in that.

i want to write my memoirs or at least stories about my family. i have a hilarious family.

i want to have a place to share what’s going on in my life and where i am headed.

i hated having my name i the url.  i thought it was cool but it started to feel too commercialized and why that’s the reason that some have blogs, it wasn’t for me. i prefer some anonymity and with some of the life changes lying ahead, privacy is of the utmost importance to me.

i thought it was cute using my nannying background in my blog name and thought that was the route i wanted to go, while it looked , AWESOME because i have an amazing graphic artist, it was not for me. i didn’t like being defined by my job. i love the kids i watch. i love my job. but, i’m more than a nanny and by defining myself that way at 38 years old i felt pigeonholed.

follow your dreamsi wanted and needed a broader existence. just like a mom who doesn’t want to be identified by just being a mom. i didn’t want to be my job. or live my job 24/7 (i do enough of that on my own!).

so i’ve been really bad about blogging for a while. i just didn’t know what to do.

i’ve gone through quite the metamorphosis hungry catepillarof sorts over the past year or so and i needed somehow to convey that……because i know i’m nowhere near done. there are so MANY changes still ahead. and so many yet to come. but i decided to stay away from anything with the butterfly or the caterpillar even though i REALLY liked the idea of using them in my blog! WHAT?!?! it’s my favorite book!!! 😉

so here i am. and i’m happy. i’m happy with the simplicity of my new blog name and i think it opens up so many options and is limitless.

i hope to blog many happy occasions in my future.

dreamsand of course share the stumbling blocks and the sad times as well.

i hope to share growth and some change in my life, sooner than later i hope, and i hope that with my new blog it will remind me every day to follow my dreams. look forward. loo ahead. and imagine my dreams…….until they become a reality. ❤

hence, http://www.imaginingmydreams.com came to be.

thanks for following me. thank you for letting me into your lives! thank you all for your continued love and support, i’m so lucky to have built such an amazing support system and circle of friends on the web and around the world.

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just one step….

as we watch them put on their socks, throw on their backpacks and leave for today’s first day of school i can’t help but be nostaligc.  these children may not be mine, but i’ve been here through every milestone, skinned knee, lost tooth, first haircut, first steps and now, as we embark on the wild and crazy world of public elementary school

how far we have come.

as i watched him get ready to leave i realized, he may as well be walking out that door and heading to a semester at Yale. as fast as these first 6 years have gone, the next thing we know he’ll be going to middle school, then high school and college.  it all just flies by before your very eyes.

how far we still have yet to go.

we still have so many milestones before then, though they seem minor right now in comparison to those first steps taken today towards kindergarten.

today starts his educational career.

today begins his opinion of school in general that will stick with him for the next 20 years or so.

today marks the end of babyhood/toddlerhood and begins the start of school-aged childhood.

today begins the wonderful world of homework.  back to school

of responsibility.

of growth.

of taking responsibility for his actions.

today when i pick him up, he will be different. he will be a school aged child who’s finished his first day of kindergarten.

the first day of school is always monumental no matter what age…….so as you watch your children getting ready and taking their first steps walking out that door or down those steps or across that lawn……..relish every second, because you’ll never get that moment back and it’s one to treasure in your heart forever.  ❤

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when there’s nothing i can say.

i want to write so badly but i can’t.

i can’t get the words out.

i can’t let loose.

i can’t share.

i can’t talk about it.

i don’t want to.

i want to protect myself.

i want to crawl inside my bed, pull the covers up over my head and never leave my room.

i’m not depressed. i’m not sad. i’m just not feeling like sharing anymore.

i’ve said too much.

i’ve felt too much.

i’ve shared too much.

i hate the ugly i’ve seen and felt.

i hate the hate i’ve seen and felt.

i can’t say anything.

i don’t want to. i want to stay quiet. i want to disappear.

i want to write but i can’t.

so for now. i’m here. i’m alive. i’m busy. i cling to what i can and i’m figuring it out.

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tick tock……tick tock

well, it’s that time of year again, that time when i get super weird and contemplative. it’s about to be my birthday and i take being self-aware and assessing my life very seriously twice a year. (well, ALL the time, really!) but i make it my business to be aware and ready to make changes twice a year. once at the new year and once at my birthday. they’re about 6-months apart so it’s a fair gauge.

it started by accident a while back, and now just happens. i suddenly get so weird inside about a month traci the nanny blockbefore.

i spend too much time in my own head thinking about my successes. my failures. what i THOUGHT my life was going to be by “now”, and how it really is. i think about if my life is working for me or if i’m trying to make something work that isn’t meant to be. both interpersonal relationships, friendships and job scenarios.

but i think it’s healthy. it’s healthy to take the time out of your every day life and step back and access your life. to make the changes you need to in order to achieve your goals. to be aware of your side tracking and keep you back on track.

this year is weirder than usual. i have so much on my mind and in my heart. too much for one person. too much for one person to not explode. although i’m doing a damn fine job of not exploding yet. or at least covering well for the exploding going on unseen inside! so let’s just hope wednesday isn’t a spontaneous combustion!!!

i’m not quite ready to share my list of “resolutions” or changes that i plan to make for the 2nd half of this year, or for this following year of my life, but i may at some point. for now, this is just about explaining why i’ve been sort of aloof and absent.

when i have too much on my mind i have trouble writing. i WANT to write more than anything but i can’t focus long enough to do so!

so for now, know that life is happening.

i’m okay.

i’m just trying to figure it out.

i’m scoring another new piece of furniture for my house which makes me happy.

i’ve decided to do away with the turquoise in my room for now, i need something more cheery……and less “left over” from the “nursery” plan. so the turquoise will get packed up with the giraffe’s to be seen and used at a later date.

2013-07-20 19.48.20but other than that, i’m trying to decide how and when to start talking about these changes, but i think i need to digest them first. there’s been a lot going on that i haven’t dealt with lately that requires way more time and attention than i’ve allowed it and there are things i’ve obsessed over nonstop that i need to let go.

however you look at it, my birthday makes me crazy. it’s no longer something i look forward to, it’s more of a panic over what hasn’t been accomplished in the past 6-12 months. i’m trying to put that into perspective but for now, it is what it is.

a time for growth. a time for acceptance. a time of forgiveness. a time of reflection and a time to make decisions and changes.

so as i’m in the thick of it i thank you for your patience, love and support! and i’m curious……do you have any special, weird or creative traditions that YOU do around your birthday??? just curious! would love to know! ❤

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following up a little

thank you ALL for your outpouring of love and support, i can’t tell you how much it means to me.

i wanted to take the time and be a little more detailed about WHAT it is i learned last night that was so discouraging. because i AM sad, but, i think i’m more sad because it brought up all of the ugly things that transpired with the previous birth mom and  we are very close to what is to be her due date, consequently, i can’t get it off my mind.

that being said, those of you who’ve been following me through this journey already know that i never wanted or intended to be a single mom. it was a HUGE stumbling block for me when i was approached by the birth mom last year. at the time, part of how i made my decision was that i was getting a healthy, full term, newborn that this 22-year-old was pregnant with, unemployed, unplanned and already had a toddler of her own from another father. i saw it as a win for me and a win for the baby.

i got to become a mom and the baby would have a home where he/she was loved more than anything, cherished and cared for, where otherwise he/she may have ended up in the system.

i wasn’t looking for accolades or pats on my back, it’s just something i’ve always cared about and wanted to do was adopt a child that needed a home.

i felt like last night in the meeting it seemed desperate. and because they only talked private adoption most of the topics were related to my previous attempt, and struck a nerve with me and made me emotional about it all.

i guess i had envisioned a child who’d been taken from their parents and the parents having lost custody. or a safe haven baby. a baby that otherwise would be in the system and not have a mommy to love him/her. THIS, what going through the agency would be, felt like baby shopping. it felt dirty. it felt ugly.

YET THERE IS NOTHING WRONG  WITH IT!!! and honestly, check back with me in 2 years when i hit 40 and i can’t promise i won’t feel differently, but at this point in my life, my objective if i am going to adopt, is to give a home to a child that NEEDS one. one that would otherwise in theory, be what we think of as an orphan.

so your outpouring of support and love made me think about this on a very different level and arrive and this conclusion.

i do not want to offend ANYONE! i think adoption of any kind is amazing and i’m proud to be part of that community and hopefully a member of it someday when i DO get an opportunity to adopt a baby of my own.

i hope that better explains WHY last night didn’t go as planned.  nothing was wrong. nothing other than the sheer lack of birth mothers they have in a year, was upsetting, stunning or off-putting.

i am now in contact with Westside Children’s Center who is also a private non-profit agency but they require no fees, just an extensive training program and they do foster child and foster/adopt.  just as i can specify if i’m open to a multi-racial baby or a newborn vs an older child, i can also request only to be considered for babies whose parents have already had their parental rights terminated so the “foster” part is just a formality.

the sheer number of children in our system is staggering. 1 in 50 children in California are permanently removed from their homes a day. 56,138 children in were in foster care in California in 2012.

THESE are the children of which i want to adopt. THIS is what i thought i was going to last night. i’m glad i went last night, i learned A LOT and now feel so much more educated and almost feel as if maybe i know TOO much, but i guess that can’t ever be a bad thing!

so the journey continues!

i’m going to skip the next month or two and then see about attending the orientation for WCC to get started on the process of becoming certified to be a legal Foster parent in California which then makes me eligible to adopt a safe haven baby or any other baby that they feel would be a good match for me. AND because parental rights are terminated before i would be getting the baby, it would be more of a “closed” adoption although not called that.

i hope you all have a wonderful friday. i again appreciate more than i could ever express, how much your kind words and just the act of reaching out meant to me today.

love you guys!

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Posted in life, my own brand of crazy, uncategorized | 2 Comments