well, no i haven’t abandoned my blog. i mean, i did momentarily, but i find that i do that when i’m feeling especially negative or especially private and protective. i just need a time out.
that’s where i’ve been.
it’s been a rough few weeks and moreover i’m having a hard time accepting the need for changes in my life so i’m choosing to play ostrich and just hide my head in the proverbial sand.
i love my job. i love those kids but i’m exhausted. i feel that i’m never able to give them enough of me anymore. i have no patience and all i do for 6+ hours a day is bark commands. i feel like every day ends as a failure lately and i’m depleted. i read what you mommies say and your posts so i know i’m not alone in these feelings, we ALL have weeks/months/ days like this, but i’m not the mommy and to constantly feel this way is weighing heavy on my heart.
i’m constantly stressed out. i’m not able to do enough. i’m not able to finish it all. i’m not able to get everyone where they need to be. i’m not able to let the baby sleep. the list goes on and on and the guilt just piles up.
i try desperately to have a social life but i’m so exhausted (and thus miserable) lately, i can sleep through my weekends. i barely make it out of the house. i’m going this week for a blood test to make sure it’s TRULY exhaustion and not something more serious i should be worrying about. correction, rule out something more serious since i already have myself dying and writing my own eulogy. (not really, insert laughter)
i’m starting to eat my feelings again and it scares me. my weight loss and feeling good about myself is mostly what i’ve had for the past year to keep in control and i need that again. i’m back on track as of today and as always i believe being aware of the behavior helps to keep it in check. or at least for me it does. i want to change it so i am on top of it and i will change my behavior that was allowing me to eat more than necessary.
the biggest change that i’ve been hinting at but not quite ready to talk about is that i ended things with my boyfriend. i love him more than i’ve ever loved anyone before and my heart is broken. but i deserve to be more of a priority to someone than he was able to give me and after almost a year together it was obvious i needed to make a change. he did nothing intentionally wrong to hurt me, so the fat lady doesn’t have to have sung, but in the meantime, i have a life that’s speeding by me and i’m not one to just sit still, and that’s what was happening.
walking away from someone i love (again) is yet again one of the hardest things i’ve ever done. i hope he comes around. he cleans up the BS in his life that he needs to attend to, and then we can be together. but, that’s me dreaming, reality is, he’s too wrapped up into his own drama and life to be in a life with me.
i didn’t come to this decision easily. it didn’t happen overnight. i know i did the right thing but it doesn’t make it any easier. my heart is still broken, my dreams shattered. my get-up-and-go a little slower and my positivity, MIA. but i’m working on it. like i said, i have my good days and my bad days. don’t we all anyway??
i’ve had enough of my house-guest once and for all. this november is 4 yeas since we broke up and almost 2 full years of my hospitality. i’m done. he’s gone this week and i’m not one to air dirty laundry in it’s entirety, but, there’s a strong possibility that the locks will be changed before he returns. charley can stay. he needs to go ASAP. he’s the icing on the cake of my pretty much miserable existence these days.
i’m struggling with my life here in los angeles.
why i’m here.
do i want to stay.
the last of my closest friends just moved away and while i didn’t see her often, i fee l so alone and so abandoned.
but if i were to leave where would i go? what would i do?
where DO i belong??