today is july 5th, 2013.
within the next 45 days i was supposed to become a mom.
there will be no baby this summer.
no crib. no crying. no tiny little hands. no baby to wear the bag of clothes and use bottles in my trunk i can’t bring myself to give away, even though i’ve known since march that this adoption was not to be.
today is july 5th, 2013.
19 days until i turn 38.
almost exactly 4 months to the day since i found out.
the hardest part is the dates. the holidays. the milestones that will never be.
yesterday someone moved the teething bracelet i ordered that still sits on my dresser. my friend john said i’d know i was healed when i was ready to put it away. i’m not. i need to see it to be ok. it got covered with something the other day and i freaked out it was lost. that teething bracelet has meaning to me, and for now, i need to be able to see it.
the list of baby names. still sits on my purple pad of paper on my desk.
the 5ft giraffe is the only sign giraffes lived in this room, and were going to be part of the nursery, i had to put them away, i can’t look at them and not feel loss. thank god for owls! 🙂
ironically owls have a symbolic meaning of strength.
this whole experience has taught me a strength i never knew i had.
the whole experience broke me. it ripped me inside. but through strength and determination and LOTS of love at work, i’ve survived. barely.
i learned i’m stronger than i know.
from making the decision to become a mom thru adoption on my own, as a single mom, to having to deal with the devastation of the birth mom not being the upstanding person i believed her to be. i dealt with all of this, alone.
i guess 4 months isn’t a long time when you’re grieving. but it feels like it’s been an eternity of pain. i look forward to that day when i can think of august 13th without thinking about “my baby”.
i often feel stupid. i never had a baby. there was never one inside me. and i’m grieving for something that was just a concept. my dear friend kim has been AMAZING. she’s urged me to grieve and not just move on. she’s urged me not to just shove it under the carpet. she’s urged me to not feel badly about grieving, i experienced a loss like anyone who’s lost a baby and i needed to grieve before i could move on. she herself went through many a miscarriage and understands and is so very wise.
i’m going to be 38 years old in 3-weeks and never thought i’d see 30 without being married and without 2-3 kids, much less as close to 40 as i am, unmarried and still, without kids.
yesterday would’ve been the last holiday before i became a mommy.
this birthday was going to be the last before i became a mommy.
i was ready.
i am ready.
i just need to find that baby that needs me as much as i need them. ❤
until then, i grieve, i write, i wait. and i pray that this pain and emptiness fades over time and opens me up to another baby when the time is right.