today is june 10th. just over 2-months until “the baby” is due.
not my baby, but the baby i was supposed to be adopting. for 16-weeks, a birth mother led me to believe that she had chosen me to adopt her child, we became friends, we shared personal stories and we had a bond, which i thought was going to be amazing for this baby so that he/she would always know where he/she came from, but would also know that he/she was chosen and wanted more than anything in this world.
after several weeks of contemplating and thinking about whether or not adoption was the right road for me right now, i made the amazing decision to say yes and accept the challenge.
for 16-weeks i thought i was going to be a mommy. finally. i’m going to be 38 years old in july and i’ve wanted to be a mommy for as long as i can remember. it’s part of why nannying has worked out so well, because monday through friday i AM like a mom, yet i still get to sleep in on the weekends and sleep through the night. however, to be clear, i’d give up ever sleeping again to be a mom.
the birth mother broke my heart and shattered my dreams selfishly and childishly and i’m not sure even to this moment feels any remorse. after realizing she wasn’t an honest human being and wasn’t looking out for the best interest for the child, and i caught on she wasn’t exactly stable, i AM relieved that i won’t have this person in my life for the rest of my life.
but that’s the only good thing here. everything else in my life is already formulated about having a baby join me this summer. i know it’s no longer happening. i’ve begun to heal from that loss. it’s taken me 14-weeks to write this blog post and not break-up sobbing at the first words on the page.
there is no baby.
my life isn’t changing in that way now.
that dream will not come true for me in 2013.
someday i hope, but not now.
it’s hard. i have a few friends who are due around the same time that this baby (my baby) is due. i even had the plan was in place for traveling to go and see the birth, and be in the room to cut the umbilical cord, a gift the birth mom had offered me.
i am so happy for my friends who are pregnant, PLEASE none of you think differently. i am excited for you, i can’t wait to meet your little ones, but, i can’t help but remember. remember that earlier this year i was planning too. i was ordering things too. i was getting my life set-up to go from being single with 2-dogs to a single working mom with 2 dogs and a baby.
my life is moving forward.
i’m making plans.
i have things i’m working on, on the horizon, i can’t talk publicly about yet, but that are for ME, and only ME. they are to better myself and they are things that i’ve owed myself for a long time and it’s time to finally accept that i deserve them and it’s time.
i have a wonderful man in my life that is supportive and trying to understand and be there for me through this, but since he wasn’t part of the loss, he’s having a hard time relating, and well, guys are like that anyway, right?
my friends who’ve had miscarriages were so caring and thoughtful and told me to treat this that same way. it hurts me to try and compare, i feel guilty. my body didn’t physically lose anything. my heart did. my soul did. but i’ve never felt comfortable comparing the two. i guess the process of grief is what’s the same. that one day something is yours and you’re dreaming and on top of the moon, and the next day, without warning, without any control, it’s taken from you. all those dreams you had from that very second you either thought you were pregnant or you found out you were chosen to be the adoptive parent of a baby. they’re just gone. and as a type A control freak, that just doesn’t sit well. at times i truly can’t even comprehend what went on. it sometimes feels like an awful dream that happened to someone else.
and because of my situation, different from most miscarriages, i don’t know when i will get a chance again to become a mom. IF i’ll ever get the chance now to become a mom. and i think that’s what hurts the most. when you lose a baby, most often you are able to try again a few months later, and then a rainbow baby is brought into your life. i don’t have that choice or option.
but i’m trying not to focus on that, because it won’t change anything not to.
it won’t make the baby mine.
it won’t take back the loss of the person whom i thought had become my friend and had told me she was looking forward to fulfilling my every dream and making me the mommy i had always wanted to be. what a crock of shit.
it won’t change what she did and how she deceived everyone really without so much as an explanation.
so i move forward.
i’m researching other options for adoption. i’m registered through a large organization to adopt, but i’m very stuck on a newborn for now, and, unfortunately in my eyes the odds on that aren’t great. the agency acts like it is, but 120 newborns in 6 years isn’t so promising to me. the “safe-haven law” around the country allowing a mother or father to relinquish a baby at a fire station, police station or hospital without any questions asked, is also helping to raise that number, but for now, i remain a pessimist. when it’s my time it will happen however it’s supposed to, whenever it’s supposed to. and until then i just have to keep waiting.
i’ve thrown myself into my work, taking the children on weekends to parties with me and doing stuff with them one-on-one to try to heal my soul. seeing them happy, and hearing their belly laughs is what heals my heart and my soul and reminds me that even without my own child/baby, i’ve helped raise these 3 since birth, they love me unconditionally, and i them, and i’m lucky to have them in my life. they make me a better person every single day.
if not for baby B i don’t know what i’d have done. i hate this. i hate that L saved me 3 years ago from the worst break-up and year of my life and the past 14-weeks, B, has helped fill my heart with love. he’s looked at me with this knowing look of, “i’ll take care of you, i’ll make it better” and he does. he’s only 9-months-old, but somehow, he does make it better. it’s like we’re kindred spirits and he “gets” me. i don’t know how to explain it, it just is. he helps to remind me that there are other babies out there. because i know that if i had adopted this child, my relationship with B would be so different since he and my child would’ve been only 10-11 months apart. and i was already planning up the wazoo, i can only imagine where i’d be now, certainly not focused on Baby B like i have, the baby that has healed my heart, piece by piece, with every smile, with every monumental moment and mostly, by loving me unconditionally like he does. he will ALWAYS hold a place in my heart a little different from his older siblings just because of how this all happened, his age and the amount of time we spend together. he’s my chunky monkey sidekick and the joy he brings me almost allows me to forget it all for the 12-hours i’m with him each day.
i understand all of this will take a while. i still have the month of july and the actual due date in august to get through. the few things i’ve bought, i have not yet been able to put away or part with. i WANT to be able to, but for now, they decorate my room subtly, and i know when i’m ready and i’m healed i’ll be able to give them away or at least put them away.
my beloved giraffe collection hurts too much to look at, so it too has been put away (minus the 5 foot tiara wearing giraffe that stands in my corner, sorta hard to “stash”). my room was going to be transformed into a gray & turquoise & yellow giraffe themed room that the baby and i would share. that way he/she would have a “nursery” but, my love of giraffes would be reflected and finally have use! i hope someday they will. for now, they’re better off hidden away until i can look at them and not feel searing pain in my gut.
luckily my love of owls has taken over both my room, my life and now this blog! so while i miss my giraffe love, and every once in a while i have to take a peek, it’s just another one of those things that n longer makes me happy, but just brings up the sad.
i’m not in touch AT ALL with the birth mom and have chosen not to look at her “blog”. i have a dear friend who has done that for me, and it’s enough. if there’s something i want to know or should know, she tells me. i don’t know what i’d do without her. actually there are 2 friends, that were part of this from the moment i was offered this opportunity, and if i haven’t taken the time before, you both know who you are, you need no introduction and since i am keeping this relatively anonymous for so many people’s sakes, THANK YOU BOTH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. neither of you thought this was a good idea from day 1, and no matter how much i’ve urged you both to, neither of you will say, “i told you so”. and you should. you both forewarned me that you had a bad feeling. i should have listened. but i couldn’t. i’m 37, almost 38 and someone was handing me a healthy, newborn baby to adopt and love and raise. but in the end, you both could not have been more right.
thank you for listening for hours and hours and hours.
thank you for STILL listening for hours and hours and hours.
thank you for hating her as much as i did, if not maybe more.
thank you for keeping me from hurting when i thought i was going to break into a million pieces.
thank you for having my back.
thank you for your friendship and love.
…and mostly, thank you for understanding. so many people didn’t and i guess still don’t. but, you two, are amazing. i’m so lucky to have you both in my life and look forward to being part of both of your futures and you in mine, because friends and people like you don’t come along every day.
i ❤ you C & K. thank you for taking care of me from afar, thank you for continuing to be there for me through all of this and more than anything, i’m so grateful that even though something so awful brought us so close, i have you both tucked tight away with special places in my heart always.
thank you from the bottom of my heart, for helping to heal me. ❤ ❤ ❤