wanting…wishing…hoping

so this is the first blog post i’m writing about nothing. like seinfeld, the show about nothing.

i have nothing to say. yet everything to say.

i don’t know why.

i don’t know if after several devastating events of the past few months i can’t focus on anything else when it comes to my blog and writing. i want to write. oh that’s all i want to do. my mind is filled with words, i have to limit myself. i have to promise myself not to take my laptop out when i get home from work or i’d be up all night writing. about what, i guess it just depends on the day.

but then when i pull my computer out, and i go to write there’s just this blankness. in my head. in my heart. in my soul. and on my blog.

i talked to a confidante this weekend who’s been a major support and newer friend to me over the past few months and she told me i was being too hard on myself. i don’t know if i am or not, i really don’t. i just want it over with. i don’t want to hurt anymore.

about anything.

i feel like i’ve lived a lifetime of hurt and i’m ready to move on with my life and have only happiness and blessings. in any way they are meant to come to me.

but i feel stuck.030

in a cycle.

in a rut.

i love my boyfriend more than i ever thought possible to love someone. i want to start our life together. i want to talk about this so much more, but i can’t. it’s not fair.  he didn’t ask to be written about so i have to be protective of his privacy and rights. just like i would want mine.

i’m tired of being patient. about everything.

i’m tired of waiting.

i’m tired of always being disappointed.

i’m tired of looking around and everyone having what i want.

i hate being negative.

i hate always feeling on the cusp of crying.

i hate being jealous. i hate being pitied.

so i’ve sorta left this blog alone for a while.

i’ve got nothing else that comes out when i go to write.

the anger spews.

the tears rise to the surface.

my heart hurts and is heavy.

when will change?

i hope someday soon that when i write here it’s about something more fun, less sad and less bleak.

i apologize and thank those of you who’ve stuck with me over the past few months, i’m sure it’s been icky and not what you really want to be reading about.  but i’m honest. to a fault. i can’t tell you life is sunshine and roses when it’s not.

what’s the point? this is my blog. to share my feelings and talk about how i’m feeling………what would the point of lying be??? ~ traci xoxo

p.s. i needed to undo the new look and feel because all i could see when i saw the 2-year anniversary redesign is the planning for the baby as we designed it and created it and i needed it gone. sorry for all the change. you can’t ever estimate how big or how little something like that will affect you and i’m doing everything i can on a daily basis to get back to good. ❤

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2 Responses to wanting…wishing…hoping

  1. Meagan says:

    Love you, lady. One day at a time.

  2. Debbie A. says:

    I love you,

    Aunt Debbie :))

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