As I sit here at 4:40am PST on a Sunday morning, enjoying the quiet and just thinking about life, I find myself realizing how much I’ve changed. How different I am. How I’m evolving as a person.
A year ago I wasn’t the person I am today. I wasn’t strong. I wasn’t confident. I didn’t follow my instincts I felt I needed backing or validation to make a decision. But not anymore. I act on impulse (sometimes for the better), I don’t really have anyone to confer with, so most of my decisions HAVE TO be made on my own and I’m glad. I shouldn’t be relying on anyone else.
I’m confident in my relationships. Who I can trust and who I can’t. Who’s lost my trust and who’s gained my trust. Who I want in my life and who I don’t. Who I hope to share my future with and who I don’t care if they know my future.
After making some new friends, and being burned by a few, I’ve decided that I”m happier on my own. I’m happier with the people who I KNOW I can trust and that REALLY care and REALLY have my back.
I’ve learned that I’m not someone who wants superficial relationships. Which may be contradictory since I live in the most superficial city in America. But, I’d rather spend the weekend all alone then spend the weekend or any more of my time-wasting it on people who don’t care about me the way I care about them. The way that I am there for them but it’s never reciprocated.
I know and accept that a HUGE part of my internal conflict is that I don’t really fit into any one “group”. Being almost 38 and unmarried without children makes me an outcast amongst many. What I have may be contagious, you know, the kidless, unmarried thing.
I’m proud of me.
I’m proud of me for being okay with being me. Not needing those people in my life who don’t need me in theirs. I’ve written before about how hard it is to say goodbye to people I have fond memories with or have enjoyed amazing times with but don’t any more. I don’t feel that way anymore.
Maybe going through what I did last month made it clearer to me in ways that I ever thought possible.
Maybe realizing who was really there for me when I found out I lost out on that adoption, is what I needed to realize what really was important. ME.
What I wanted.
How I felt.
What I need.
And I decided I won’t settle for less.
I’m spending more time on ME. I’m being selfish. I’m being protective of my heart and I’m moving forward in my life in ways I could never have dreamed I would be doing.
He’s taught me more patience than Leah ever could (I’m not sure he’s thrilled about THIS title!).
And I’ve learned so much about me. About love. About caring. About hurting. And about how love may not conquer all, but love WILL see you through anything and love and honesty are the two most important qualities. To me at least.
Since I’m awake early this Sunday morning and I think I’m going to bundle up, yeah, it’s probably under 60 here in LA right now, you know, frigid temps, and take a run. Do some more thinking.
You see, not only have I made an internal metamorphosis, but, physically I’m a different person I was a year ago. I’m 42+lbs lighter. I went from being a tight size 12 to a comfy size 4. I don’t recognize the woman I see in the mirror. I’ve lightened my hair. I’m wearing styles I’ve never been confident to wear before. I don’t recognize her because for the first time in 37+ years, I like that woman looking back. I like how I look and it’s an amazing feeling. Every single day I get dressed and I’m happy.
I’m healing. Little by little I’m healing. Some days, I don’t even think about the baby that won’t be. Some days I look around my newly redecorated room and think how lucky I am to have the life I DO have, the freedoms, the lack of “balls & chains” the ability to do whatever I want, when I want with the exception of work.
And even my job. It’s EXHAUSTING. I’ve never in my life been so tired. I don’t know what is wrong with me, honestly, but at least I’m happy. I have this amazing baby Brady that IS what’s healed me. He’s healed me from so much. From so much loss I’ve suffered. From so much I want, but he helps me live in the now. The here and now. Because if I look forward, he grows up, so I’d rather him be 7+ months old and enjoy every freaking minute of it, rather than think about what I’m missing out on. It’s a tall order and a lot of pressure to put on a baby, but it’s not like that. I don’t NEED that from him, it’s just how it works. And more-over, he gives me someone to shower all of the love and affection on that I feel like the love is spilling over out of me when I’m with him. For him, for Calen and for Leah. ❤
They aren’t my children, but, I couldn’t love them more. The kids and their family have become my family. The family I have chosen. The family, that I hope one day will be part of my family the way I am part of theirs. My love and my child being close with those kids and their parents.
But for now, I have an amazing man who I wake up everyday smiling inside and out, knowing he’s doing the same. That there’s a man out there that loves me and cherishes me and while things are so complicated now, someday, it won’t be. They say the longer we wait for something the sweeter it is when it’s ours, I cannot wait for that day. Truly. But I try to look at these days as days we’ll look back and say, “remember when……we survived that”.
I wait for the day that we live together and are not so far away from each other. But in the meantime, love is love. And focusing on what I DO have and how lucky I am, is what I’m trying to do these days.<3
To be grateful.
To be appreciative.
And to find the joy in the things that I DO have and the things that I DO find happiness in. Because there’s no rule book and no one can know what I’m thinking or feeling or living through but me. And for now, I’m proud of me for all that I’ve overcome just in the past 43 days.
Take control back of your life.
Love on your terms.
Live on your terms.
And be as happy as you can be in the now when you can. ❤