not exactly a passover post…..

Passover is a holiday that represents new life. Springtime.  A fresh start for the Jewish people. It’s a positive holiday with singing and proud passages we read.  It was about us being liberated from Egypt and Pharoah’s rule. A hard-boiled egg on the Seder plate is there to represent new beginnings.

tracitalksbackI wanted to write an educational post about the holiday and I will try to do that soon as promised, but tonight affected me far more than I expected.  It hasn’t even been an hour since everyone left, but, even as I sat there, I choked back the tears and held in the sobs.  Turning sadness in the usual self-deprecating jokes I always do.

For 16-weeks I thought I was going to become a mommy.  From the minute I thought that was happening I started planning.  What would the first Hanukkah be like? The first Passover??  The first birthday?? And as I sat there tonight, all I could think of is that imagine in my head that I had of what Passover next year was supposed to look like.

How we were finally going to have a house with a child in it.

How my baby would sit and play with the stuffed animal Seder plate I love and wish we’d had when I was a child. My mom would make us take a million and five pictures and she would buy the baby the matzah patterned passover bib to wear.  Things would be extra festive because it would be the Baby’s First Passover.

But that won’t be.  There will be no baby. No first anything.  Moments like tonight take me back 3 weeks to the day I found out that I wasn’t going to be getting the baby.  I wish I could move on. I wish I could explain what it feels like. It’s a mix of numb, sad and angry. And tonight is a night that brought sadness. Lots of sadness.

Sadness that next year won’t by my baby’s first Passover. Who knows if there ever WILL be a baby.

I wanted to scream out. I wanted everyone there to feel my pain. I wanted them to realize that I was there physically, but mentally, somewhere far far away………

Sadness at being alone.  At all that I don’t have.

I know my mom noticed something was wrong. She asked me more than once if I was okay.  And I said yes. It wasn’t the time nor place to tell her the truth.  To tell her I’m not okay, I haven’t been okay since March 2nd and why.  But I didn’t.

Does she need to know the truth??

Will telling her make me feel better or worse??

Is it worth bringing up a conversation about something that will never be, when it WILL never be??

She’s not the most understanding of people, let alone parents and while I’ve always wished that’s what I have, I don’t. And I’ve learned to live with that. But this whole baby situation, and the outcome is something I really need my mom for.  I need a REAL mom to listen. To tell me I’ll have another chance.  To tell me this baby wasn’t meant to be mine, convinced that there’s still time. And still a chance. To hold me and share her stories of loss.

But that isn’t the mom I have.

So instead I keep it inside, and for the first time in almost 3-weeks I’m letting it all out. Now.  It was that hard tonight.  I’ve kept it together for 3 whole weeks and I just can’t anymore. I lost something really, really important to me.  Something I had dreamt about my entire life and I may never get again was mine one minute and not mine another. No warning. Not thought about how it would affect, it was just gone.

Everyday will get better or so I hear, it’s just going to take time. And every once in a while something may catch me off guard. So it comes back to time. Time. Everything is about time. Waiting. Patience. etc. Something I am not good at, at all.

But as I wait to heal, I’m glad to have those people in my life who are living through this with me. Who don’t think I’m crazy. And don’t think I’m over-reacting. Who are going through this same thing.  My heart hurts for anyone going through this. No one should ever have to……or at least not alone. ❤

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The 6 foot giraffe is actually hugely significant in this loss, and I probably will do a whole post on that. But the giraffe is something I have ALWAYS wanted for a nursery when I had one someday.  It happened to be on 50% off sale, something unheard of for that item, especially a Melissa & Doug product.  But, I NEED it.  I need something to take up that empty space.  The empty space in my heart can’t be filled but the one in my bedroom can, and hopefully this giraffe will stand tall and meaningful to me.  A reminder of the baby I once received  And the baby that is hopefully still yet to come………sig_traci_01

 

 

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