I’ve had this post in my head for the past few days but just wasn’t sure exactly what it was I trying to say. For starters, having lived through the miscarriages of several close friends, I can’t even begin to compare the physical ongoing pain one must have when going through that. But amazingly, it’s those people who are the ones telling me how to grieve. Offering me suggestions on how to heal and move forward.
Her words were so powerful. And knowing her, it did not come easily for her to say this to me. There’s no way she didn’t hold her breath as she hit send in the hopes that she wouldn’t make a bad situation worse or hurt my feelings in the process of trying to help me. But none of that happened.
What she did helped more than ANYTHING anyone else has said or done. It was a gift of honesty.
She’s been thinking about the last week or so of my life and knowing me and my fears and my life long dreams she came at it from a totally different perspective than anyone else had. And I honestly cannot thank her enough. She didn’t try to fix me, she didn’t try to take away any of the pain, but she helped me explain to myself WHY I’m feeling so empty. WHY i’m so numb.
There’s still a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that’s been there since the moment I found out the baby wasn’t going to be mine and I almost feel like I’m going to start hyperventilating if I really think this through, but she’s right. It’s 100% what I’m feeling and thinking and worrying about. This isn’t JUST about losing THIS baby.
Losing out on adopting this baby WAS like losing a pregnancy.
For 12-weeks I waited and was excited and began planning. I had names picked out and things I’ve bought that are now arriving a week after finding out this isn’t going to happen, and my baby is not coming home with me in August. There will be no baby.
I noticed that I had started thinking of life as before baby and after baby. When I made plans I’d stop and think, wait, will the baby be here by then? Do I need to reassess? My whole world immediately turned around because it wasn’t going to be just me anymore it was going to be, putting my needs aside and thinking of my child. A job I’ve waited my entire life for.
But I’m numb. Other than a few minutes on Saturday, 6-days after everything changed, I haven’t really cried. I haven’t sobbed. I haven’t lost it. I still haven’t 9-days later. I know I will. I know I need to, but for some reason it’s just not coming out. I want it too, I know the longer it takes the rougher it’s going to be.
Last night she told me that she was going to be blunt and she was apologizing in advance if it was too much to bear. I held my breath but decided I could take it. I expected a “suck it up” or a “get over it”, or “you hang onto things, it just wasn’t meant to be” and my favorite, “well, when the time is right it WILL happen for you”.
What she came out and said was this: I didn’t just lose out on a baby a week ago, but a life long dream I’ve longed for. But unlike in most situations when a woman loses a child, I can’t just wait until next month and try again. It’s not that simple in my position. In fact, I don’t even know WHEN and IF there WILL be another chance. This could’ve been my one chance and it’s gone. THAT is what I’m grieving for. Not just THIS baby, but the babies I’ve always wanted and don’t know that I’ll ever have the chance to have.
You see last December I was doing the best I’ve done at the holidays in a while. I was feeling good in my body. I was enjoying the beginning of my time with Brady. I was seeing someone and I felt happiness and warmth in my heart. There was no empty feelings. There was no black hole. I finally remember climbing out from the dark hole to see the beauty in those things around me. I really, truly FINALLY was accepting my life for what it was and trying to be in the now. And enjoy the present. (not the kind you unwrap, but the here and now.)
I don’t want to go and get pregnant by using donor sperm. I don’t want to have a one night stand and have a baby. The adoption process is not simple AT ALL and there are so many hurdles to overcome there, I’m not sure I would even qualify through the process. The bottom line is, I’m sad and lost and numb that my chance to be a mom may be gone forever. And hearing that “it just wasn’t meant to be” or “just wasn’t my time” sounds good, but let me tell you, doesn’t help AT ALL and actually makes a person feel worse.
I don’t want to hear that I wasn’t meant to be a single mom……screw you.
I don’t want to hear that “these things happen”…….screw you harder.
And I definitely don’t want to hear “when it’s meant to be it’ll be, see, it worked for me”……..fuck you.
I’m 37 almost 38 years old, I’m not some teenager with a dream. I’ve just been through a devastating event that is going to take time to heal. I don’t know how long that will take. There’s no rule on the grieving period.
Could be weeks. Could be months. Some say I may never get past this. I will always carry this baby in my heart. Harder yet are the friends I thought I had that have disappeared. I’ve always learned that in times of need and times of loss you find who your real and true friends are. I’m SHOCKED and surprised by those that have honestly just disconnected from me like I carry the plague. People I communicated with daily, GONE. M.I.A. That’s totally fine. Guess what though, you can’t catch what I have so you’re just being selfish and mean. But that’s okay, I don’t need those kind of people in my life, nor do I want them.
Maybe that’s what this was about. Weeding through who belongs and who doesn’t. Who really IS part of my inner circle and who just pretends to be for gossip sake. Like I said, I’m an almost 38 year woman and I don’t need fake, bull-shitters as friends. When times are rough and times get hard those that ARE friends find a way to make you feel better, even if it’s just with words like my friend did last night. She took a chance, she gave me a gift. It cost her nothing and may have made all the difference in the world in my healing.
So here I am, trying to return to how I felt in those late days of November and early days of December when the holidays were abuzz, and my heart was full, my eyes wide open and I was finally, for the first time in my life, happy. Just plain happy. Oh how I want to be back there again so badly.