Survival Mode…..

337915-two-pink-and-yellow-gerber-daisy-stems-on-a-black-backgroundWell this blog has sure been a source of sunshine and roses lately.  Sorry about that. I write to get things out of my head and right now things just kinda suck.  I’ve had it much much worse, but, I also know I can have it better and I’ve decided “it’s time”.

Everyone told me that I’d know when it was time.  When it was time to move on.  Time to take control and start over. Time to let go.

Last week was a rough one. But I’ve survived the first week, and I’m okay. There’s still a hole in my heart a mile wide, and every once in a while I find myself stopping and looking at something and the sting as it hits me that what was meant to be isn’t happening. I go to make a plan, and I don’t have to calculate if that’s going to interfere with the baby’s birth. I don’t have to coordinate in my head how that will work with having a baby. It’s getting better. Easier. But it’s still very raw, very real and something I’ve never ever felt before.

I made a comment last week that I thought it was time to step aside from my tracitalksback_2relationship. My therapist and a friend or two told me I was reacting to losing the baby and that it wasn’t HIM I was upset with. I listened. It made sense. It still makes sense.

You see, I don’t do “wait and see” well, nor do I have patience to live on the back burner indefinitely. I know that he has so much going on in his life (for his privacy let’s just keep it that he’s got more going on than any 12 people should and none of it positive.). So, I want to stand by and wait. I want to have the patience to go about my life and have faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t anymore.

Maybe it’s because of the grief I feel I am projecting it elsewhere.

Maybe because I haven’t gotten the support  I want.

Maybe because I just don’t feel like I’m as much of a priority to him. And until I do, what do we have??

GerberDaisyWallpaper-1024x768This isn’t a goodbye to him. This isn’t a break-up letter.  My mind has just shifted.  I’ve changed. I’m not who I was before a week ago.

Something in me has changed.

I’m not sure for good or bad, but  I worked too hard last summer and fall to dig myself out of the dark hole I’d fallen into, I won’t let that happen again. Not because of the baby. And not because of a love that was just at the wrong time.

That’s what it is. We love each other it’s just the wrong time. But I can’t tell you when the right time will be because I’m not the one holding this back. Holding us back.

But it hurts too much now to wait.  It hurts too much to be patient.  If I’m going to start over it’s the time to start it completely over.

Time to step away from what’s become routine. Time to switch it up and find something new to focus on.  For starters getting my house guest out of my house.

As spring is approaching it’s time to make some changes.  Change happened TO me last week, out of my control, now it’s time to take control and make some change happen for me that I need.

I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. Yet more sensitive than I let most see. It’s time to move on. To be strong.

“I know my heart will never be the same, but i’m hoping that i’ll be okay……even on my weakest days…..I get a little bit stronger…..” ~ Sara Evans  ❤


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