I’m writing this to everyone to read because I made some very harsh remarks in my time of anger earlier this week when I first found out that I’m not going to be adopting the baby. I was hurt, confused, lost and somewhat numb.
Today I had a chance to learn some new information regarding California Law and adoption. I’ll happily do a blog post on it sometime soon, because there is a very fine line and there’s definitely confusion out there. Starting with, as I posted, there is no such law in CA anymore that an adoptive mom has 6-months to take the baby back, it’s now 36-hours from the time of birth.
I also had a chance today to talk to the birth mom. She had written me some harmless chit chat emails that I felt needed to be addressed and I wanted to share some of the information I had learned (so this gave me a reason to respond).
During our exchange I asked her for one gift. That after 18-months of friendship and 12-weeks thinking I was going to be adopting her baby AFTER SHE CHOSE ME and SHE CAME TO ME FOR HELP, and had invited ME into the delivery room, that I just needed to understand what happened. What did I say wrong? What did I do wrong? Was it because I was single? Was it because I was Jewish?? Like a date who never calls, that’s how it’s been the past 4 and a half days, I couldn’t figure out what ended things. Why after all this time were we just done? And at the same time mourning the loss of what wouldn’t be with this baby I thought I was adopting.
She confirmed a suspicion that I had, but I had never told her I felt this way, but that she needed antidepressants. She had serious postpartum depression with her first child, and gone through a rough time since we’re friends, so I was happy to hear that she had gone back to her therapist/shrink and was on medication, safe for the baby that she already felt was keeping her sane. (Remember, erratic and not sane were the EXACT words I used to describe her.) And as someone who has struggled themselves with depression and sadness, I understand how erratic it makes you act and respond, although mine is minor in comparison.
She gave the most heartfelt apology I’ve ever received and she shared that she never thought that I was going to choose to step away from the adoption, she said SHE herself has been really caught off-guard and it was what helped push her into going FOR help.
She admitted she didn’t handle the situation well, and while I want to be angry with her, I just can’t be now that I understand where she’s coming from a little better. She’s 23 years old. TWENTY-THREE. Think about that. I can’t even remember 23, oh yeah, I can, I moved in an ill-fated. abusive relationship to Sacramento when I was 23. We make mistakes. She’s going to look back on this in 14 years at 37 and be so embarrassed and realized how awful this was handled.
I’m sad. It will take a while to heal. But I no longer feel hate and anger in my heart. I feel sadness and disappointmemt, but I know I’ll be okay, and I know that finding out this information tonight is the first and foremost thing that would EVER have healed me completely.
The birth mom is a student. Has an almost 4-year-old, whom she’s in the thick of planning a birthday party for, she has custody issues with her son and his father, and now this pregnancy and the inability for her to reach the father of her unborn baby, he won’t respond and she just wants him to sign off his rights immediately so as not to hold up any adoption.
So she just randomly decided Sunday midday that she needs to focus on her family right now and wait until school is out in June to make any decisions regarding the adoption. She has EVERY RIGHT to need that time and space. I cannot imagine HOW HARD this is for her. She needed to communicate with me better.
She couldn’t help BUT talk to me about the baby when we talked and she found it upsetting and stressful. I don’t remember being the one bringing it up often, but she says she just couldn’t help herself, which is why she basically decided to write me out of her life altogether. Again, something she never would’ve done had she been chemically balanced and thinking straight on Sunday.
I thanked her for the gift of telling me what happened. Why so abruptly things changed. She says that whenever she’s off of medication she ends up hurting someone she cares about and is sorrier than she has ever been in her life to have hurt me and to have caused me such grief. She said she re-read our emails from Sunday and can’t NOT sob at how she treated me, and how uncaring she was to my pleas, for just an explanation.
I believe her. I saw the difference in her behavior, how she acted. I feel relieved that there’s nothing I did wrong that caused her to change her mind. She says that I’m wonderful and she never deserved a friend like me in the first place and that she misses me. I told her I miss her too, and that not a day is going to go by that I wouldn’t have the baby and her on my mind. I do hope that diminishes over time, but, for now it’s very prevalent.
I wished her well.
I sent love and kisses to her son, and told her how grateful I was again that she had finally opened up and admitted I did nothing wrong, she’s just got to get her life in order before making any life-long decisions for this unborn baby. I told her I was proud of her seeking the mental help she needed and getting on medication that has already begun to help and then I said goodbye. ❤
Tonight I am numb. The whole situation is so sad to me. It goes so much further than the loss of my own baby, but the confused child she is with no family to turn to for advice or help, she’s alone making decisions that I would have trouble making.
So to clarify and correct ANYTHING I said alluding to her putting the baby up on the black market seem to be false and I apologize for even thinking something so horrible.I will pray for her and her son and hope that this baby finds a family that will love him or her and give them the life they so richly deserve.
This baby will always hold a place in my heart. I’m still heartbroken, but somehow, today was very healing. Both sharing my story and receiving AMAZING support from so many people in my life throughout the day AND the apology and explanation from the birth mom.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I will go to sleep tonight and hope for more peace and understanding.
For more healing and less grieving.