Today is the 2-year anniversary of my starting this blog!!! How far I’ve come. I even look like a new person now, two years later!! I’ve learned SO MUCH about me and now I still have so much more TO learn. I’m apologizing now, this isn’t your usual Blog-A-Versary type post. It’s not what I had planned, but definitely what I needed to write.
Left side: Aug 2011
Right side : March 2013
I remember sitting on my couch on Arch Drive in Studio City, a few months after leaving “the dump”, with my hand wrapped and bandaged by Lanae because I had cut through my pinky finger at the end of the year and it was just beginning to heal. It was a pretty low point in my life, the first of many, but the blog was the one thing that I got excited about. It was something new. Something all new and something all mine. I started small, just using WordPress, and only decided to buy the URL a few months ago. It’s mine. I don’t want to have to give it up or share it, EVER. 🙂
I started it because: A.) it was the “thing” to do.B.) i just wasn’t into keeping a journal but i felt it gave me an opportunity to get out what i needed to and C.) I needed a project. An outlet. I’ve always enjoyed writing. My mom has always suggested that I consider a job writing. Which is a fantastic idea, but, not exactly practical since LOTS of people write in LA, but not many make it! I know someday my memoirs or the script about her will be my Academy or Emmy Award winning piece!! (I I’m not opposed to a sitcom!) And the first page will read, “dedicated to my mom who suggested I become a writer since no one else is.” And since by then we won’t be speaking anymore because every single story I have worth telling comes back to her, I don’t think it’ll matter! LOL. 🙂
I really thought it through. I wanted to make it fun. I wanted to expand my theme and try to find a focus rather than just using it as an outlet to whatever I was thinking that day or that week or what topic the Blog Challenge I’m participating in suggested.
I started the redesign with my friend Susie of Announcements by Susie early this year. I wanted to do something special. A contest. A give-away. Talk about MiLo Ink Books in greater detail and explain WHY I believe so much in the author and his journey. Sharing my reasons as to why Joyful Heart Foundation has a link on my homepage.
I HAD A PLAN!!! I HAD IDEAS, CREATIVE ONES EVEN!!!
But as usual, as they say, “you make a plan and god laughs”. So true in every aspect of my life.
As many of you know by now my life got thrown a ginormous curve ball (or 2) this week and my head is just not where it was when Susie and I first spoke and I remember being so excited for a new look, a new color scheme and a renewed excitement in my writing. Which I still have, I’m just not in a celebratory mood right now.
I haven’t been honest and open about this because it was private. It was for me only until I was ready. I chose not to share any of this publicly in its entirety on my blog or on Facebook to protect certain privacies. Mostly, my family, because I had chosen to wait until this coming weekend. I didn’t expect this was going to be supported by them, and I’m easily swayed by my mom’s negativity and my ridiculous need for approval from them. But this was a decision I took MONTHS to think about, interviewing and talking to friends, moms, agencies and lawyers. And that may be the biggest part of why this was such a big deal for me. It was a decision that I took painstaking time trying to make. And I made the decision. All on my own. I’m terrible about decision-making on my own when it comes to BIG life long things. It was a huge leap in my life and a huge growth opportunity for me in the decision-making alone like a grown-up process.
I’ve alluded to some of this, but, I decided it’s time to get it all out there. If I didn’t share this with you before, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t want to affect those that were directly affected by this until I knew it was for reals, and with the outcome that HAS happened, I know now that I did the right thing. Or did I?? Verdict is still out on that part. ❤
How I did not share this with the Calen, Leah & Brady’s mom (& dad) who are like a sister (and brother) to me was one of the HARDEST things I ever had to do. (Incidentally if you’re reading this, I wanted more than anything to tell you Tuesday night, but clearly it was not the right time!). Honestly, she (you) was the hardest person not to talk to about it. I see her every day. We actually were together when I was originally approached about this, but I just didn’t want to send everyone’s life into a tizzy. I figured one way or another we would figure something out that worked for us all, I love their children more than anything, and I know they both know that I want nothing more than to be a mom, I figured 20-weeks was more than plenty for us to figure out how to make this work, and geeze, I’d always wanted four kids, two of each, so I’d even convinced myself this baby was FOR SURE a girl. I will ALWAYS & FOREVER love Calen, Leah & Brady, but they aren’t MY children.
I never told my parents because I both didn’t want to get them excited but more honestly, I knew this wasn’t going to go over well. It has been engrained in me “marriage before children, IN THAT ORDER” so many times that even at 37, it was the #2 reason I considered a negative in my “con” list when I was first making this decision. (I even joked I was accepting applications for anyone who wanted to tell my parents for me!) 🙂 The singing telegram may have been what won out! LOL!
The “this” I’m talking about is that for the past 12-weeks, I was going through the process of adopting a baby and becoming a mom. The baby was due August 17th, a date that is forever etched in my heart and mind. So many dates, like yesterday, the final DS test and the gender test. I would’ve known today or tomorrow if I was having a girl or a boy. If I would be using all of the Calen & Brady hand-me-downs or the Leah ones.
This was the weekend I was going to tell my mom and dad that they were finally going to become grandparents. I could not stop my brain from planning. And not planning out the child’s life, just how the birth, adoption, trip home, life at home and 6-month official adoption ceremony would go. If it was a boy, the circumcision. I had already decided immediately not to buy many things, I am blessed that I would’ve had plenty of hand-me-downs or stuff to borrow, and of course I was waiting to find out boy or girl. I had the names picked out. I decided who in my family I was going to be honoring. Who my child would grow up knowing was their namesake. Now that won’t happen.
Because I’m not going to become a mommy this year.
The dates forever etched in my mind won’t go by without my thinking of them, but as of Sunday afternoon, 3/3, they are no longer going to be dates important to me. I am devastated beyond belief. I’m trying to pick up the pieces of the why and figure out how someone could be so cruel. For her to have come to ME in her time of need, ask me to consider adopting her baby and then 16-weeks in, after 14-weeks of us communicating daily, sometimes all day long, she became erratic and somewhat incoherent in her thinking. I realized, unequivocally, I had to back out, right then and there. I couldn’t take the chance of being in the delivery room and then her deciding she couldn’t go through with it. Or, since in the state of CA she would’ve had 6-months to take the baby back after his/her birth, I would be living approximately a year from NOW holding my breath. I couldn’t do it. And seeing how sad and empty I am now, and how devastated and numb, I know I made the right choice. If I cannot trust the birth mom, I cannot bring this person into my life for the rest of my life, no matter HOW MUCH, I wanted this baby and to become a mom.
I bought very little for the baby, I wanted it to have a gender and an idea of a name before I bought much, but I couldn’t help it, I’ve waited all my life for this, so I did buy, a pink Jellycat bunny (after people were SURE it was a girl I couldn’t help myself) and a light switch that would’ve matched the baby’s bedding and a blanket I already have on my bed.
And Monday, the day after I found out I wasn’t getting the baby, I came home to open my mailbox and the teething bracelet was there. I ordered it on FRIDAY!! Nothing arrives that fast anymore. It was as if it was the most cruel joke on the planet. I didn’t know what I was going to do with it. My gut was to give it to Brady the next day. But, somehow I just couldn’t. I thought about giving it to a few of my friends with teething babies, so someone got to use it, but I didn’t have to see it, but, I couldn’t. Suddenly this bracelet with big rubber beads sitting on my dresser meant for teething had me paralyzed. What was I going to do with it.
A very wise friend suggested that I don’t give it to anyone. I can save it for when my time does come and I do become a mom. But he made an even better suggestion that I’m following and I have my teary moments, but, something about the bracelet, those printables , the bunny and the list of names I can’t bring myself to give away, put away or throw away. I KNOW this is not happening but, I’m not ready to crumple up the list of names and dump it. I’m not willing to dump the printables seeing as though I don’t need nursery style art in my room if there isn’t going to be a baby. That seems too painful.
My wise friend suggested this. To leave the bracelet as it arrived on Monday. In its bag, with the business card, virtually untouched on my dresser. So that I could look at it and remember. I could hold it if I needed to. I could wear it if I so desired. But at some point, that teething bracelet would no longer be a symbol of what I’d lost when I was able to put it in a drawer or decided it was time to gift it to a new baby, and it would show I had healed. I was able to pick it up and touch it today……progress.
It’s going to take time, LOTS of it. I’ve been told to let myself grieve for what I lost. For what was taken away from me. For all those lists and dreams and things I bought for a baby that will never be.
This wasn’t exactly the post I’d planed for my Blog-A-Versary, but, I need to get it out so that I can move on. This was a monumental, unforgettable event in my life, and I needed to get it out. I needed my loss to be acknowledged “on paper”. I needed to be able to see it.
So, instead of my blog becoming an “awaiting baby blog” and then a “follow Baby R’s Journey blog”, it will be about ImaginingMyDreams.com and I’ll go back to the drawing board just as soon as my heart is back in it and write about whatever seems like I want to write about when I feel like writing it.
Thank you for reading, today, and always.
Thank you for loving me, for caring about me and for showing me that while I was going through this alone, there was nothing about this that I did alone. Sometimes tragedies show us who isn’t loyal, and of course I had my share of those too, but mostly, it showed me how many people listen to me, care about me and have my back through the happiest of times, like when I first started telling people. And the most devastating of times, when I had to tell people that I was not going to become a mommy this summer.
In the meantime, it’s been a wild 2-years. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I’m not going to let this sidetrack my long-term positivity, all the introspection and growth I’ve had in the past 8-10 months and the positive forward path that I’m on.
I believe in god. I believe that everything happens for some reason. Good or bad. I’m so sad that this happened to me and that I lost this baby whom I’d grown to love from the moment I considered becoming his/her mommy. But I know it wasn’t meant to be. I need to grieve for a while, and whatever is meant to be down the road will be. For now, I just need to miss what I’ve lost and look ahead towards the next chapter in my life.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being here for me. For showing me you care and making me feel more supported and loved than I ever have before. ❤