I’ve never done a post like this. I hear it’s cathartic and I can use that right now. I could use some strength and faith that this IS how it’s supposed to go. I can say the words, but I’m not feeling them yet. I look around me and my life is so unfamiliar. In a good way and in a bad way.
Maybe a large part of it is looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person i’ve become. I’m happy with my results and hope that I can keep the 42lbs off and continue to feel happy in my skin. Comfortable even. Happy. that reflection looking back at me is the one I’ve wanted for the past 37 years. If I’m going to be single and childless at 38, at least I can be hotter than ever, right? 🙂 I joke.
I feel comfortable in my skin, with who I am, with making my own decisions, and I don’t recognize that person. That’s not the person I was 10 years ago. And thank god I’ve grown so much in these past 10 years. I’m so proud of me. Of the woman I’ve become and the woman I’m still destined to be.
Ten years ago tonight I was in an abusive relationship with a man I worshipped for no reason, and lived every day in fear. Fear I’d say the wrong thing. Fear I’d look the wrong way. Fear I’d do the wrong thing.
In 10-years I truly am a new person.
Tonight my heart is so heavy.
But why?? I lost something I never had anyway, how can I be so sad?? Is it the idea of what I lost? Is it the thought and energy I put forth into making such an adult decision?? A decision that would’ve impacted the rest of my life. The kind that scare me to make. Yet I made, all by myself.
Is it that I’m sad of what this means? The results? The outcome? I’m still alone??
I say I’m numb, but yet as I write this, I can feel the warmth of my tears running down my cheeks. But why, I lost something that never was.
I’ve had friends explain this numb feeling when they’ve had early miscarriages. Like how can this be happening. How quickly can something like this change? You wait all your life for something, then snap it’s yours and snap, it’s gone. I guess I’m grieving for what I had dreamt of over the past few months and that will not be now. What happens down the road, one can’t be sure, but here, today, everything changed. I want to be strong. I want to say it wasn’t a big deal, but it was. It is. And I’m sure the next 6 months will suck. The dates I have forever etched in my mind. But over time those will fade I’m sure.
It feels weird to think I had fallen in love with a baby that lived inside a woman/girl, I hadn’t even met, but, I did. That baby already had a part of me. And a place in my life and in my heart. I can only hope and pray that she does the right thing and finds a good home for him/her and not just give him/her away to the highest bidder.
I want nothing more than to become a mom, whether by birth or through adoption, but it has to be under the right circumstances and for the right reasons and there was just too much uncertainty in this situation. And while tonight I’m sad, I’d rather be sad tonight and move on, then spend the next year holding my breath waiting for this to happen. I already was, and look how much it impacted me.
Thank you to everyone who’s supported me in the weeks and months since this first started. Thank you for listening to me endlessly. Thank you for entertaining and engaging my excitement. And thank you for being here now, when it’s time to pick up the pieces and play clean up crew, as my best friend would say.
I’ll be okay, I know I will be. I’ve survived much worse. It’s just not gonna be today.