Over the past 15 years, I’ve been told more than 100 times that I’m an enigma. In all honesty I had to look that up because at the time, I didn’t get it and I didn’t see how it applied to me. I read the definition and laughed, how so very true.
Dictionary.com’s definition is a person of puzzling or contradictory character”.
At first I was confused, then I think I was offended, I mean, it sounded like they were calling me two-faced or something. Honestly, I always assume I’m being made fun of, it’s a bad defense mechanism from my childhood. Something I’ve gotten so much better about since I’ve gained self-esteem and grown past some of that insecurity.
Anyway, so I started thinking about it and I couldn’t really put my finger on what they were saying. Then one day it happened. My close friend said it, but she said it with an explanation and she was 150% right, I AM AN ENIGMA!! Her example was that my bedroom is Shabby Chic but my throw blanket is skulls & crossbones on it!
Yep, that’s me, an enigma.
Always pegged the goody-goody, yet, surprise, I have 5 tattoo’s albeit small by some people’s standards but just perfect for me. (they can all be hidden easily!! bwaaahaa!)
I have 7 piercings. Yet I had a job where I wore a suit to work for almost 11 years with Via Spiga heels and I loved every minute of those gorgeous suits and shoes!!
The stereotypical Los Angeles Valley Girl……who loves her Country Music more than any John Hughes film.
Whose first concert was Kenny Rogers when everyone else’s was NKOTB or Michael Jackson. (I’m making up for the NKOTB part this summer and my 15 year old self is a teeny weeny bit excited!)
Yes, I’m an Enigma.
And this weekend……at 37 years old I finally figured it out. Or found out really!
My name, Traci means Warlike, which is fitting. I’m also a Leo. I’m a strong personality. I fight for what I want, it doesn’t come easily, but I seem to just keep getting back up and back up (and it seems to be starting to pay off, but that’s a completely different post). So I read Warlike a few times and closed up what I was reading.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Cause Warlike fits, but it’s not REALLY who I am. I’m not confrontational. I don’t like conflict. Warlike. I couldn’t let it go.
A few hours later, I thought, I’d waited 37 years to ever find out what my name meant, I was fascinated by it now, why I can’t say, I chose to look NOW, but I did! So I decided I might as well look up my middle name, Erin, which means, yep, you guessed it, Peaceful.
Warlike Peaceful. A giant enigma from the start! Conflicting personalities! I never stood a chance!
I don’t know how much I believe in Astrology, sometimes it is dead on and it freaks me out, other times, it’s like a fortune cookie! But this one REALLY has me feeling like I finally understand the internal struggle I’ve had all my life. Wanting to make my parents happy vs wanting to make myself happy. Trying to please everyone, yet never being happy myself.
It’s just a name, and I could’ve been an Erica or Samantha (for reals, those were the other options!) but, in the end, I am Traci Erin and boy does that name fit me, or I fit it.
I just sorta wonder if now that I know this about me, I’ll find myself less tormented. Less tortured inside. Less conflicted. I don’t know, it’s been 24-hours and nothing’s different, so I’ll get back to you on that!