The biggest decision of my life

I’ve been M.I.A from social media in comparison to my usual usage. I’m sorta stuck in my own head.  Life is moving full speed ahead and I’ve found myself with a ginormous decision to make.  A life changing decision. An opportunity that has happened truly because it’s meant to be. Or so I believe in my heart. While I have so much to say, and have been thinking about it so much, nonstop in fact, there’s so much that is personal to me and others that I’m not sure how much to share and when.

I know that I’ve never had to make a decision of this magnitude before, and I hate making decisions on my own. And I will never have to make a decision like this again.

I’m 37 years old, and all my life all I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. ALWAYS. I always played pregnant with a ball in my shirt when I was little, but the older I’ve gotten the more I realize that you can love a child through adoption or surrogacy or so many other ways. The baby doesn’t have to grow inside you to be your child or for you to have a connection.

When Calen was a baby, and I think I had been with them only 2-months, I was holding him and I remember looking in his eyes and thinking “I love this child more than anything in this world”. He doesn’t have to be mine or come out of me or grow inside me for me to love him the way that I do and at that moment is when I knew if adoption became an option for me, I would always be okay with it. And as time has passed, if anything, that’s been reaffirmed and confirmed with through my love for Calen, Leah and now Brady.

The most amazing part of my job is that it mostly makes me feel fulfilled with the time I spend with the kids.  But then the weekends come and the holidays and I’m alone. I’ve stopped checking Facebook or Instagram on those days because it just hurts too much. I’m happy for all the happy families, but, sitting alone in my 1+1 with my dogs watching TV is the extent of too many of my weekends, and to some degree I’d rather be doing that than so many other things, but, it’s made me realize how much room I have in my heart and my life for a baby.

I don’t want a baby to fulfill me, I want a baby that needs a home that I can give to it, and give him/her everything they will ever need. Patience, love, understanding, compassion and time.  All things I have more than enough of to give. I want to be the mom I didn’t have and the mom I did have and more. I want this baby to feel free to be whomever it is and know that I will ALWAYS support it. I want it to have a daddy and someday I’m sure it will, but, as I was reading something yesterday and talking to a friend, one AMAZING parents is far better than 2 absentee or sub par parents.

I LOVE Calen, Leah & Brady but they aren’t mine and never will be.  I get to do A LOT with them and I’ve spoken before that it’s them that’s allowed me to be okay and get to the place I am now.  Having them to love, and shower with affection and show the world to.  And they have taught me so much. Patience mostly.  But also how to love unconditionally.  How to be silly moments after wanting to kill someone for dropping an entire container of glitter (the art worlds’ herpes) all over the wood floor! They taught me that love always perseveres.

I am considering becoming a mom on my own through adoption. Wow! There it is in black & white, literally!!

When I first started thinking about it 6-weeks ago, I wasn’t sure what I thought. I have NEVER wanted to be a single mom.  I always wanted to find love, get married, go on a honeymoon, come home and nest and then a few years later start a family.

But there is absolutely no part of my life that’s gone “as planned”, I mean for god’s sakes, I was waiting for a man on a white horse to come and rescue me for all of my 20’s……and part of my 30’s before I realized (with the help of my therapist) that I’m way too independent for THAT and if a guy came and tried to rescue me I’d, and I quote my therapist, “you would a kick a man in the crotch who tried rescuing you, you need an equal not a prince rescuing you”.  I laugh at it, but she is so right!!!

But I digress.

So, here I am, in the year I’m turning 38, which I’m not at all freaking out about since I look the best I’ve ever looked and feel younger than I have.  I feel free. My heart is full.  My head is clear and I’m confident in me for the first time in my entire life. NOTHING feels better.

But this possible opportunity has presented itself and at first I was excited, then I panicked and now………I realize I’ll be devastated if she changes her mind.  I want her to do what’s best for her.  I don’t want to pressure her nor make her feel like I’m stealing her baby.  But, if she can’t give the baby what it needs, she should know, that I will love this baby like it’s my own, I already do! I will give this baby everything it needs always.  And most of all, wow, what I learned about myself in the past few months.

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I’m more capable than I’ve ever been.  And I’m HAPPIER than I’ve ever been…….and there’s no price tag I could ever put on that!

So it’s going to be a journey.  A long one.  I’m sure I’ll write about this journey I’m on from time to time on my blog, but mostly to respect the baby’s mom I won’t.  She needs to be free to make the decisions she needs to make and she knows how I feel. So I feel I need to give her the space to do that. I just want whatever is supposed to happen to happen.  For both of us.  Wish us luck! ❤

~ traci xox

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