Ah Ha!

In the past few years I’ve noticed that there have been a lot of important people, or formally important people who have left my life.  They just aren’t here anymore. Something or someone else is more important to them.  They’ve become a mom and don’t know how to “handle” me, since they feel “guilty” that I want to be married and be a mom and now they are. (for the record, just because one WANTS something badly, it does not mean they begrudge others happiness!!!)

I have had a life long friendship dissipate to a sad state. I wouldn’t even consider her a close friend anymore. It’s sad. I can’t really spend time thinking about it, it sorta breaks my heart. I have big news and things I want to tell her, just like I always have, but, even knowing I have stuff I want to talk to her about, she can’t seem to find the time for me.  I’ve spent lots of time being sad about it.  How do you throw away 30 years of friendship?? How do you fix it?? Why did this happen? What could I have done differently??

And then last night, early this morning, it sorta hit me. It was a moment of clarity and i realized that we outgrow friendships and move on to make room for new friends and more mature relationships.  It’s the circle of life, friendship style.

sunflower 2I thought about it all day today.  Because on one hand it sounds morbid.  We throw away old friends to make room for new ones?? No, that’s not what I was getting at.

In the past 2 years I have been lucky enough to make some amazing new friends and meeting some inspiring and compassionate people.  People I’m proud to call my friend.  People who care enough to check on me.  People who listen to my every worry or concern.  People who share some of the same phobia’s that I have.

And that’s when I realized, it was just a natural progression.  There wouldn’t be room in my life for these new friends if I was adding them on top of the other friends………hence we outgrow some friendships 5 years long or 30, and it’s okay. We should look back at the memories fondly.  But also know that trying to put something back together by yourself will never work out, you’ll be disappointed every single time.

I’m proud of who I’ve become. I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago, or even 10 years ago. I’m glad I’ve grown. I’m glad that I am confident in my life and my own skin that I can say what I think, and I’ve found other people who are honest, open and willing to be REAL.  Something I’ve craved for so long. REAL people. People who don’t pretend to be better than they are. People who can admit that sometimes life does suck and offer their ear. Or a hug. People who also have struggled in life and not everything came easily to them.  REAL PEOPLE.  It’s refreshing.

And instead of being sad, I’m finding myself proud.

Proud of who I’ve become.

Proud of the fact that who I’ve become has attracted those sort of people.

……and proud of the fact that despite so many struggles I’ve persevered and I’m still here. ❤ ~ traci xoxo

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