Okay, so as far as The Blog Dare has gone, I’ve sorta fallen off the wagon.  Ironically today’s theme and topic is “what helps me to write…..” which was sorta what I was going to write about tonight anyway. Ironic. Always.

I’ve been MIA online lately in general.  My Twitter & Facebook time drastically limited as well as I’ve somewhat abandoned my blog for a few weeks here……..but there’s a reason. A very real, and very important reason.  Everything is fine, no need to worry, but, I guess I learned something about myself.  That when I have something very real and very big on my mind, I have a hard time focusing and writing about anything else.

So far 2013 has been okay.  Nothing stellar. (yet), but nothing tragic or worth mentioning. So I consider that a win, considering what the past few have been like.  I’m working hard at staying positive or turning the negative into a positive, to not getting myself in a dither or anxiety ridden over things I cannot control and being grateful for those little things, the little moments.  I have a bunch of little notes in my giant jar for the year, not as many as I’d thought, but, I found that I didn’t have something every single day I’d consider worthwhile, but when I do, I add to it.  As February approaches I look forward to switching to the flourescent pink squares instead of the dark turquoise.  I don’t know why, but it seems exciting. Positive. Forward.

I’m finally moving forward.  It’s been A LONG TIME since I got unstuck.  A long time since I was propelling forward in my life.  I’m making relationships.  I’m loving someone.  I’m enjoying the moments with the kids because they’re gone all too fast.  This is the first moment I realized it.  It’s taken a long time to get here, and a lot of tears and pain and darkness, but, life is moving at least.

I’m working on my future. Considering choices, making plans.  Looking at what I want between now and 40.  Realistically.  For the first time in my life I don’t want to play pretend, I want to see what I have in front of me, and make plans.

Within the next two years where do I see myself? And funny enough, I don’t have a single idea what I pictured. Every single part of my adult life that I’d planned out and expected hasn’t gone as planned, I haven’t prepared for it and it’s thrown me for a loop, every step of the way.  (Not being married at 27, being single and alone at 30, moving with a torn up finger in the pouring rain for the first time in 6 months at 35.) Just some of  the things that stressed me out because they didn’t happen how I’d pictured them.

In the meantime I think that way of thinking (obviously from my upbringing) is finally gone. I can think for today, and I can weigh options. And while making big life altering decisions is impossible for most anyone, I’m confident that no matter what happens and what choices I make, following my heart and doing it my way. ~ traci xoxo