Sunday January 13, 2013
Instead of making things easy…..I always make everything harder then it needs to be. This is a hard blog post for me to write. This is one of those things that has followed me my entire life and I’m trying hard this year to change the pattern.
As my dad has always said if there were two paths to take a smooth one or a bumpy one, without even knowing it, I’d end up on the bumpy one. Why, I can’t tell you. I know we make our own destiny and we can change the way things go, but somehow, I end up at roadblock after roadblock.
It pains me to write this. I’m trying so hard to look forward, but part of this blog challenge is reaching deep within oneself to let it out. To write my story. To tell my story. And my story would not be honest or complete if I didn’t admit that at every turn I have not had it easy. Or rather, I have not necessarily taken the easy path.
Sometimes now, at 37 years old, I wonder if that’s why I can’t find the happiness and my happily ever after that I’m looking for. I think about those detours or shortcuts or bumpy roads I’ve taken in the past 20 years and sometimes feel like my life now is a punishment for that.
Why else has everyone else around me found their true love?
Why else is everyone my age onto child number 2 & 3 and I haven’t even started?
Why, when being a wife and mother were THE two most single important things to me in my life as long as I can remember, can I not find my happily ever after??
I don’t have any of the answers. I don’t like to think this way. I don’t like to dwell on it, but when you’re alone night after night, weekend after weekend, holiday after holiday, the older you get, the more you cannot help BUT wonder these things.
Instead of making things easy, and following everything my parents told me, I followed my own paths. I made my own choices and I screwed up. I made mistakes. Such is life. I wasn’t arrested, I didn’t end up in jail. I just didn’t do things the way everyone else did.
I didn’t follow a path that my peers did. I didn’t make some of the “right” choices. Most I don’t regret. I don’t believe in regret, I believe that every choice we make, makes us who we are today. And that gives me strength. Makes me realize that I am where I am because of what I’ve survived, what I’ve experienced and what I’ve achieved.
But, at night, in those dark lonely moments, when I realize that at 37 years old I’m still going to bed alone, in a home I live in alone, I wonder. I think about it. And I even entertain the idea that had I made things easier on myself and followed the paths that everyone else did, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And sometimes, lots of times, it makes me sad. ~ traci xoxo