Friday, January 4, 2013
2012 was an interesting year when I sit back and think about it. And REALLY think. It started off shitty, and continued to be shitty until recently. There really were (lots of) changes I didn’t expect in 2012.
The anger and hate and frustration and sadness that I had been carrying around for so long got too heavy and I finally found a way to get rid of it. I realized that I was unhappy. I realized I was in pain. And I realized that I needed to take care of myself first and foremost before I could start making any life changes like moving up north.
I made an appointment to see my old therapist that I had gone to previously and proven exceedingly helpful in assisting in dealing with the post domestic violence period of my life as well as familial problems and she was someone I trusted. I was lucky, she took me.
We made a plan for me. We took all the anger, sadness and hate that I was carrying around and put it on paper and made a plan for each area.
She wrote down the first step of attainable goals.
“Go see a neurologist to deal with your chronic headaches, you can’t just stay in bed the rest of your life”.
“Start a weight loss program or start implementing the healthy eating habits you are more than familiar with and get yourself feeling better physically which will help you feel better mentally.”
“Take a deep breath and call me when you need to.”
It was that simple. Those 3 sentences written on a piece of paper in late July/early August.
This is where the unexpected changes come in.
I hadn’t noticed I’d gained weight. If something didn’t fit I just didn’t wear it or bought something new. I lead a life and have a job where I can get away wearing elastic waistband pants and food had become the excitement in my life. The only thing to make me feel better. I didn’t binge. I didn’t closet eat. I just over ate. And focused my life on food. I made plans to eat meals at yummy restaurants. I planned ahead what I was going to eat, I knew by Friday morning what I was going to “treat myself to” and pick up on my way home from work on Friday night, it WAS a weekend night and if I was going to be home alone anyway, I might as well eat something to differentiate weekday from weekend. That’s how I was thinking.
Ironically, medications I went on based on Cheryl’s 3 goals caused me to lose 35lbs. 35lbs I had known I needed to lose for AT LEAST 2 years, but didn’t even care to try. 35lbs that have made me feel so much better. To be completely clear, these are not diet pills or even related to dieting or weight loss. Cheryl’s suggestion to get myself in shape was because I used to run and it made me happy, and I was having trouble getting into that, since that’s like zero to a thousand, so she felt suggesting eating healthier would no doubt motivate me to run. It hasn’t regularly yet, but I’ll let you know when it does! LOL! The weight loss was merely a side effect (or gift!) of the medication I am taking.
Even on the saddest days (like right now), I look in the mirror and I just can’t believe it. I feel guilty because people are so complimentary and so thoughtful at the things they say, and truthfully I didn’t do much. Yes, I’ve been not focusing on food. I’ve stopped thinking about it as something important, in fact, I’m bored by it and thanks to the medications, I’m eating less since I’m not hungry. But I didn’t work hard. I just got lucky. And amazingly, it has helped A LOT in the happy department.
It’s not the end all, be all, but after 3 years of not caring about my appearance and just really gliding through life, noticing the weight loss, which by the way wasn’t until I had lost 20lbs and I was confused why I had to pull the string on my sweat pants so far. I pulled out a pair of Seven brand jeans I hadn’t worn in a long time, and they fit. And not like squeeze into them, roll around on the bed fit, they actually fit. Well then I couldn’t stop, pulling out clothes I hadn’t worn and looking and thinking how did I just lose this much weight and not notice?? I was living in that much of a daze I guess. I was merely surviving I’ve often said, not living. I was going through the motions of life. And I’m great at slapping on a smile and pretending I’m happy, WAY TOO GOOD at it in fact. To a fault.
I want to make sure you understand that I do not think weight or size is everything. And it’s something so many struggle with. I see this loss as the consolation prize for having survived so much pain in my past and that this is my chance to maintain it and get myself in the best shape of my life by the time I turn 38 in July. The happiness and high from this weight loss won’t last forever, but for now, it’s helping propel me into the other changes and goals in my life that I need to start dealing with.
So there you have it, the biggest change I hadn’t even seen coming in 2012 was losing 35lbs and fitting into jeans smaller than I’ve ever worn before! ~ traci xoxo