Thursday January 3, 2013
So today is Day 3 of the Blog Dare. I didn’t start on 1/1, I figured I’d go back at some point and write that post, but after looking at the topic, “broken resolutions”, I’d have nothing to write since I don’t do those, so, I started on Day 2 and from here on out I’m staying on track and sticking to the challenge! It’s been A LOT of years since I was given a topic to write on, and it’s actually kinda cathartic. I don’t have to think about WHAT to write about…..I just have to expound on that topic and run with it, so much easier! 😉
This topic is actually a rough one for me, especially right now. Today. This minute. I have vowed to be positive, I have my jar and notes in the corner and I’ve tried to do something new or try something new every day so far as planned, and I’ve done it, but, not necessarily what I set out to do. LOL. Like today, I was supposed to go to work without making my bed, and before I knew what had happened, my bed was made! I apparently do it as part of my waking up and getting out of bed routine…..mindlessly and before both eyes are fully opened! LOL. Who knew?!?! So, I sucked at that, BUT, I left my pajama’s out on my bed all day, THAT’s a first FOR SURE!! Apparently the dogs had a great time with the purple owl pj’s all day, so I won’t be doing THAT again, but there it is, something new for today!
My worry or concern for 2013 is that it’s all going to fall apart. I spent so much time being sad before I’m scared to go back there. It had been since November 2009 that I lived just always being sad. It became part of who I was. I don’t want to feel that way again and I don’t want to go back there, to that black, dark place. So, I’m staying strong. I’m moving ahead. I feel some of that hatred and anger I carried around for so long coming back and I’m trying to let it go. Keeping to myself more than being on online. All the while sick inside because I want him back. Even if it’s just half-assed. I know that’s not REALLY what I want, but, I miss him like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I take that back, I miss him like I miss my best friend of 30 years whom I just don’t really talk to anymore. (I’m sure that’ll be another post).
In the 4 months we were together he captured my heart. I don’t even really know how to put into words how he made me feel, loved, cared about, adored, wanted, needed, worried about, thought of and most of all respected. The reason we are not together right now has NOTHING to do with how we feel about each other. It has to do with life, and timing and this being shitty timing for us to be starting a relationship and life together. He’s never asked me to wait. I’m 37, I can’t just sit and wait, but, at the same time I know that there is an imminent end to his struggles (divorce) and I hope that between things calming down in his life and his missing me, he will be ready to move forward, or make some move towards having a future together and the fairy tale I was living in back in September and October will commence soon.
But until then I can’t help but worry. What if. What if he doesn’t come around?
What if that was goodbye and I have to let him go and REALLY move on?
I wanted to have a clean-cut, clear plan before the new year began, and to this minute I never realized how juvenile and silly that was. Relationships and people are never clear-cut and things are forever changing. I wanted answers no one would’ve given me and I’m sure that helped push him away. If I was in his spot, I too would’ve stepped back. When you can’t give the person what they want and are asking for, and you’re already over wrought with drama in your life, its human nature to back away. I get that now. Literally right now as I’m writing this.
So, my biggest fear of 2013 is that the happiness I’ve felt through the second half of last year and the love in my heart will be gone, the sadness will be back all the time, he won’t find his way back to me and it will turn out that it was just a few months of a year of my life and not the love affair and every dream I ever had being fulfilled. ~ traci xoxo