my unmerry christmas (eve)

I started this post on Monday night………..I wasn’t ready to post it then, but I’m hoping by finishing this morning I can try to find some peace between now and the new year.

I’m having a REALLY hard hard time right now and I’m trying too much to be strong when all I want is to fall apart

December 24, 2012, Christmas Eve. I sit here alone. My lights dimmed. Candles lit. Twinkley Christmas lights in the window on. Peppermint Mocha in a mug, freshly manicured nails still drying. It’s hard to be alone on a holiday. And yet, tonight, I can’t get out of my own head long enough to be with anyone else.

I can’t stop thinking how a week ago I was in what I thought was a relationship leading to a future together. I love him. I really and truly fell head over heels in love with him, like I thought he had with me. I don’t know why, or how but he caught my heart. He found his way in and owns my heart, that’s the problem. He doesn’t want it I guess. I don’t know. I have no answers. I’m trying to get them, because I think that knowing what happened and/or why would help me move on. I doubt it will hurt less. I doubt I will feel less lonely. But the silence is KILLING ME minute by minute, tick tock, tick tock.

I’ve lost the past 3 holiday seasons since my breakup, I feel like I was in a fog, going through the motions but not feeling it in my heart………and this was going to be the one that I persevered. The year I was finally healed and was ready for happiness. But alas, I sit here alone, in albeit, lovely surroundings doing what I want to do, but somehow, trust me, that sounds better than it is.

I’d give anything to have to compromise tonight. Any night.

To be standing on my feet in the kitchen cooking away, I’d make a turkey and stuffing and yams with marshmallows. I’d be waiting for the quiet after everyone was in bed so I could wrap the “Santa” gifts for everyone young and old.

Because Christmas is about magic, and I want to always believe in fairy tales and magic…’s not my holiday but there’s something about the magic of Christmas that makes me want to believe. I’ll admit it, I looked up at the sky around midnight when I took the dogs out on Christmas Eve…..

Instead my heart is heavy and hurts as I spend another holiday season alone. No, it’s not my holiday and it shouldn’t matter but somehow it does. Everyone else is with their families, the togetherness, the laughing, the loving. The hand holding. The kissing. I just miss it all and it just makes me feel that much more alone. And it hurts in a way one cannot explain, the feeling of your heart breaking as you realize how alone you are.

I think that’s why I’m the saddest. I had a plan. A plan to enjoy the season together, this night together, watching Elf, since he’d never seen it, cuddling in bed in a scene not much different from what I’ve got going on here, minus one thing. Him.

I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

I know that I knew that this would happen and I shouldn’t have gotten involved to begin with.

I did anyway, and it felt good.

But, now it’s over, and I have to move on, at least for now. Just like that. In love with someone one day, and people shoving information about signing up for dating sites the next.

This is the part that I don’t do well. I’m trying to be strong and it’s not working.

I need answers. I need to understand details. Why? Why can’t you just tell me “I’m not ready to date” or “you aren’t the one”, or “ I love you but I’m over whelmed by all the elements of my life right now and you asking for more of me, made complete sense, I just can’t give it to you.”.

It’s the not having the answers that’s slowly killing me inside. It makes you question EVERYTHING. Everything I believed to be true. Everything that was ever said to me. Everything I ever felt. Everything we shared.

I have 10-days off of work. And there’s nothing I want to do. I just sit here. I’ve done A LOT of relaxing. I’m not sorry about that, but I’m sorry that I have this hole inside of me. I can’t just pretend it’s not there. I can’t stand the “oh I’m so sorry’” or the “what’s new with the guy” questions from others. And I definitely can’t seem to do anything but watch my phone hoping, praying for a response more than “HI!” and some sort of plan so that we can talk. I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND. Of course I want to be together, but if that can’t happen, I at least want to know WHY. What changed?!?

Last night (12/27) I made the fatal mistake of looking through some screenshots I saved as our “beginning texts”, I thought they were going to be something we’d look back on and giggle, “remember the days?” As I read them, they aren’t the words of someone faking it. They aren’t provoked. It was all him. I was going to share some of the words because I can’t read them without welling up with tears and I feel like I need validation that this REALLY all happened. But they’re private between he and I, no matter how frustrated, angry and sad I am with him now, our personal words to each other should stay that way. Private.

I want to be grateful. He gave me confidence. He made me so happy for a time that I felt like I was in a fairy tale and all I wanted to do was stop time when we were together.

He gave me the lift that I needed to see what I really wanted, but right now, all I can be is sad. I know I deserve better. I deserve to be more of a priority to him. But I understand how much he has going on, and how much he has on his plate, but this has gone FAR beyond a scheduling and time issue.

I knew it all along. But I also know he’s a good person and one who WILL be healed and whole again someday.

I don’t know how to end this post because even as I write it and re-read it, I have no answers.

I can’t just shrug this off.

I can’t just pretend the past 4 months of my life didn’t happen.

I am forever changed.

I need to let go but I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe having some answers will help, but, until then I’m just here, with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and the hope of some clarity soon. ~ traci xoxo


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4 Responses to my unmerry christmas (eve)

  1. Debbie A. says:

    Is this a relationship you would want for your daughter, if you had one, then it’s not a relationship for you!!

    I received this advice just when I needed it. I hope it helps you, too. It’s not good to be alone, Traci, pack a bag & come visit me for as long as you want. Bring your dogs too! We can bring in 2013 together. It’ll be a great year for both of us!!

    • xoxo
      there’s nothing wrong with the relationship, THAT lesson i know. this person just has too much on his plate and needs space and time to be able to make me #1. hoping it’ll be sooner than later! xo

  2. jess says:

    This makes me so sad. I’m so sorry. I hope you eventually get your answers. I think judging from your other posts, you sort of have. But xoxox anyway.

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