i’m moving on…..

my best friend arianne makes fun of my insane memory.

it’s a gift and a curse. i remember most everything.

she calls me for details about her life. and she’s not the only one. my own mom does it too. it’s my thing. i have an amazing memory, especially for everyday random facts, that may not or should not matter. things not even about my own life. those who know me best, don’t question my memory, ever. cause they know 95% chance i’m right.

as i sit here writing this it occurs to me i’d love to live one day without having to remember. because with remembering comes pain. you can try to push it from your head, but, no matter what it always creeps up in someway. SOMETHING triggers it. and it’s exhausting. your mind can never rest.

as the saying goes, you can forgive but you can never forget.

three years ago today my life changed forever.

it’s a monumental day and not in a good way.

it’s one of those memories you want to forget. you don’t want to think about, but i can feel in my gut. i remember how my insides hurt as i cried. i think i knew in my heart and soul it was time. but taking action and making it real was different.

you don’t want it to approach. you know it’s going to come each year, and attached to a holiday, hard to ignore. impossible actually. yet i pray for the day that i don’t remember it. that it fades into oblivion. meaningless.

i promised myself THIS year i would forget. i promised this year i wouldn’t think about it. i promised myself i would never allow it to have the power over me that it did.

as i am awake way too early today, i don’t know if my mind is wandering or I if i just need some quiet time for reflection.

three years ago today i woke up thinking today was just any day……..and when I went to bed that night my life had changed, i knew i had changed and I knew that nothing would ever be the same.

i couldn’t face what i can now that 3 years ago was the best thing for me. i couldn’t hear that. but today, i know it. i can still be sad about it, but i know i’m better off for it.

i’m stronger. i’m tougher. i’m more confident. i’m independent. i am not afraid to speak my mind and willing to stand up for it.

i know what i want and i’m not going to let anything get in the way of having that.

i deserve the best and i’m not going to settle for less.

yet it is with a heavy heart that i remember that today my world was rocked. what i thought was going to be suddenly wasn’t. that the dreams i had shattered. the plans. the dreams. i can’t forget. i want to, but i can’t.

I’ve moved down that road. if i was anyone else, i’d have forgotten what today was. in fact, i’m sure i’m the only one who remembers, and that’s ok. maybe it’s for me and for me only.

i’ve made so much progress in my life. i am so proud of me. i did this. i made this choice. i’ve done what’s necessary to make me a better person. a happier person, and it’s worked. i set my mind to something and i’m seeing the results.

the sad doesn’t take over like it used to.

the memories don’t come flooding back.

the anger comes out. the frustration and the pain. but not as often.

and not why you’d think.

the anger at myself for not seeing the signs. for settling.

settling for less than i deserved. 

i wish i could forget but i can’t.

so instead i let the memories seep out. i write a blog post about it. i take a moment to reflect. and i then i move on.

moving on is where you find happiness.

moving on is where you find a future.

moving on is where you get out from the middle of things.

you accept what has changed.

you accept where it’s going.

you accept the path you’re on.

you look ahead………..because looking back doesn’t get you anywhere.

i’m moving on. ~ traci xo

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