a few weeks ago i changed my blog domain name. several people have asked why and i decided just to put it out there. the truth. the ugly reality.
i loved tracitalksback.com but started feeling like it was too self-centered when i’d say my url out or pass it on. it had started me wondering what other direction i could go in with my blog. i went through the list of blogs i read, i’m not a mom, i don’t write about my children. i date, but prefer to keep that part of my life private. my family consists of my parents and brother and SIL, i’m not going to write about them. and who wants to listen to story after story about my dogs? i just couldn’t quite figure out where i fit into this whole blogging mess.
and then something happened.
someone was nasty to me. someone decided to hurt me. someone’s words stung me. and i will never be the same. this was not the first time it has happened but it’s the words that were said which helped me to decide that it was time to change both the blog url and my focus and some of the people in my life.
i’ve made some amazing friends on twitter and through facebook. but i’ve also met some not so nice people. people who use words to hurt others. people who think they are superior because they are married and have children. people who think that because my life isn’t in the same place as theirs i must not know anything. people who can hide behind an iphone or laptop and say mean things but would never be able to defend their actions or words in real life.
so now you can start to see what it’s like……Living On The Outside.
people disrespect me, because regardless of my age, i’m not married and don’t have children. so i must know nothing.
there have been people who have said and believe “i should keep my mouth shut until i squeeze a baby out my twat”. which disrespects adoptive parents more than anything btw.
people act like i couldn’t possibly have life experience beyond what they have, but both because of age, education and life experience we learn things. we all do. i don’t know one person in their 30’s or 40’s who doesn’t look back 10-15, even 20 years and laugh at themselves for thinking they knew everything. “if only 24-year-old me could see me now! LOL”
i remember 10-15 years ago and how i thought i knew everything. i was in an abusive relationship and wouldn’t leave, because he would change and he really did love me. i was just as stupid as they are at 25. he never changed, i got out.
but i digress.
i don’t think i could ever convey properly how much on the outside i live. i don’t think people
really get it.
the weekdays for me are okay. i spend 60 hours a week or so helping to raise those amazing kids, but nightfall comes and i go home to my quiet, empty, lonely house.
no one to ask me about my day. no one to worry what time i came home. no one to care if i got home okay. no one to care if i eat. thank god for my dogs, i can pretend they care and that’s what they’re asking me. ❤
there’s no real group we fit into.
we spend many a weekend day/night alone, without hearing from anyone because that’s family time, and well, we’re on the outside.
i’m writing this post from my perspective, but know that it was the consensus of 4 single women between 30-38 that helped me to write this. experiences they’ve had. ways that they feel too.
there is no answer to this problem. for me, it’s part of growing. part of learning. part of trusting too much and part of re-assessing my goals FOR ME. for others it’s a wake up call (i hope) as to what your friends, family, or others in your life may be struggling through if they too live on the outside.
you make a life for yourself that makes you happy.
you find things to do to fill your time.
you slap a smile on your face and pretend that everything is okay because the last thing you really want to do is admit why you are sad.
you dread the weekends, and no matter what anyone says, if your goal is to have a family, and a home, nothing can fix or change that. most of us have wanted that since we are little girls. i’m not saying a husband or children will magically make me happy. or anyone happy. i’m saying it’s what’s missing from my life.
YOU go to the pumpkin patch, YOU take pictures YOU celebrate the season. of course i can decorate. i can find my own ways to celebrate the season, but one just doesn’t do all the other stuff alone, it’s just not the same. most of us thought about having a family of their own long before we even considered what a wedding was.
it’s just Life On The Outside.
sometimes better than others. sometimes lonely. sometimes a relief.
yeah, i get to sleep as late as i want.
yeah, i can nap whenever i want to.
yeah i can stay in bed all day on saturday or sunday if i want to. but i’d give that all up for Life on the Inside. ❤ ~ traci xoxo