i cried, and i’m ok.

we all have something or someone who has propelled us in life. whether it’s a mentor, a public figure, family member or friend. for me, tim mcmgraw and faith hill changed my life forever.

how you ask?

well, if you’ve been following my blog for any length of time or have perused some of my old posts, you’ll know that i’m a survivor of domestic violence at the hands of the man who i thought loved me. (if you haven’t read it, here it is for you to read.)

faith hill & tim mcgraw made me leave him.

there i was one night in our bed, he was asleep next to me as i watched some awards show and i REALLY watched them together and i saw, they found their perfect match. they found the person they’re supposed to be with. i had not. i was scared every day for my life. for what the future held. for what if i had gotten pregnant? that was not love. i want love. the real thing. all of it.

i escaped. unharmed physically but forever scarred and changed.

tonight i needed to get myself back. i feel lost. i feel empty. i feel cold and scared and unsure of what the future holds. i needed something to remind me why i am where i am. and how far i’ve come.i needed to cry. i needed just to spend time in my dark room and find me again. and as i always have, i turned to music. first my iPod, than iTunes and then without knowing it, i decided that i needed to go beyond my own music library and play some videos. thank god for YouTube.

at first i stuck to my usual favorites. john mayer, “half of my heart”, “shadow days”. gwyenth paltrow, “country strong”, big & rich “that’s why i pray”, blake shelton, “god gave me you”, sara evans, “a little bit stronger”, martina mcbride, “independce day”…..

and then, there, on the right, under “some videos you may also like” i saw faith & tim staring at me. and for the first time in 3-weeks i started to cry. i cried for all the tears i’ve needed to cry but couldn’t.  i cried for all that isn’t going how i want it to right now but feel powerless to fix.

and i cried because i remembered how important they were to my life. i may not be here today if it wasn’t for faith & tim as cheesy as that sounds. (trust me, i’ve heard myself say it a zillion times in the past 9 years, but its the god’s honest truth).

i saw what they had, and that’s what i wanted and i decided that i’d rather be alone than be with someone who hurt me.

as i sit here tonight, just needing to be sad and frustrated. needing to feel the hurt inside, i watched and listened to video after video of faith and tim. and i remember.

i remember i want to be strong and wait for that perfect person.

i want to be strong and follow what it is i want. and mostly i remembered it’s okay for there to be bumps in the road……i’m just in the middle of a giant speed bump right now.

here are a few of my favorites…….that all have a place in my heart and have meant something important to me. ❤ ~ traci xo

This entry was posted in my own brand of crazy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to i cried, and i’m ok.

  1. jess says:

    hugs. You’re a strong woman. You WILL find the one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s