to calen and leah, with love.

waiting for baby

as i lay here in bed exhausted, wanting to go to sleep, i can’t help but keep thinking about that new baby that will be here any minute and should be here already!

the baby that will make calen the big brother to two and leah a big sister.

i had been struggling and wanting to write a letter to the new baby, but i’m just not feeling it yet. i’m sure once we meet, it’ll be love at first sight and i’ll have plenty to say to my newest sidekick and Starbucks and target partner!

in the meantime, i decided that i wanted to write about calen and leah. about our last days just the 3 of us.  it’s just special. i can’t explain it. i just know that it will never be the same as it was today.

i can’t stop thinking……

about how this is their last days. the days before their lives WILL change forever.

….they will go from a family of four to a family of five.

….the last days of calen as the eldest of just two.

….the last days of leah as the baby of the family.

….the last days without a baby in the house.

….the last days before things change entirely.

i know that calen will make an amazing big brother to this baby just like he is to leah. she couldn’t have asked for a better big brother!

and leah, i know it’s going to be hard for her, but, she’s such a sweetheart, and will always be leah and she will ALWAYS be OUR “OH LEAH”. she’s so sweet and gentle and compassionate, i know she will be an awesome big sister! i just hope she doesn’t try to help too much!

it’s been an amazing ride, from meeting calen at 11-weeks-old as a chubby cheeked, chill, little guy, to an amazingly sweet and compassionate little boy.  who’s smart, and articulate. who asks questions and notices the world around him.

then a few years later came leah, the youngest baby i’ve ever cared for, at 2-days old she laid in my lap and i looked at her. when i think back to that day, it’s mesmerizing. i remember thinking how much calen had helped me become a better person. and how calen had helped me grow as a person, and how THIS, this little baby Yee-ah as we called her, was going to change me even more. and boy did she ever!! and yet, she was a saving grace at times.

ironic, her middle  name IS grace.

through the best of times and the worst of times over the past 5 years, calen and leah have always been there. i never told them my problems, i never wanted them to know i was struggling but they always hugged me and kissed me and needed me…..and that made everything better.

i don’t know how i got so lucky to have such amazing children in my life but i am so grateful. everything in life happens for a reason and these children could not have come to met at a better time, or me to them rather. it was by chance that their mommy and i met and i am so glad that we did.

and now there’s a new baby on the way, i COULD get the call any minute!!

i’m so excited to meet this little guy or gal!

i can’t wait to find out its name Thing 3 is cute, but it’s kinda getting old and not funny anymore! 😉

will the baby look like calen or leah??

i just can’t wait!!

my new little sidekick, who i will get to know and we will become best friends. i know we will.

i’m being honest. and THIS is why i’m writing this post to begin with. Calen & Leah

i’m also sad.

i’m sad for the time i’ve missed over the past 2 years, 5 months of one-on-one time with calen.

i’m sad, that any day now, poor little leah won’t be the baby anymore, she’ll have a new title, middle child.

i’m sad that my time will be even more fractured and my patience even more thin.

i love these children and want only the best for them.

i take it as an honor and a privilege to love them, and help them to grow and learn and become better little people.

I KNOW they will be okay.

I KNOW they will adjust to being a family of five.

I KNOW I will learn to take care of 3 children just as well as I do 2.

….but, in the meantime, i relish our possible “last times” right now.

i can’t help but tear up and i’m so glad that neither of them have caught me.

….our last day of swimming lessons before the baby arrives?

….our last drive to school before the baby arrives?

….our last drive home before the baby arrives?

….our last story-time before the baby arrives?

….our last night going to sleep before the baby arrives?

i’m lucky to have a baby on the way to love, i NEED a baby to love right now. this baby, like calen and leah, mean more to me than i can articulate. i may never have children of my own, so i don’t see raising calen and leah as a job, i never have.  when i’m with them, i raise them as if they were my own. i know i am not their mommy, i don’t want to be their mommy. they have one of those. but i’m their traci. their saci. their twaci as i used to be. and as special as they are to me, i know how important i am to them.

neither of them know life without me in it.

….and i’m honored to be able to make sure a difference in calen & leah’s lives and now in this new baby’s. i’m honored and proud.

5 years. 3 babies. and A LOT of fun in between!!  ~ traci xox

Leah Grace & I    Calen and I at the JTD Fair in May 2012

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