it means waking up alone 7 days a week.
it means no one to say “good morning” until you leave the house.
it means no one to start the coffee pot when you forget.
it means no one to ask you how your day was.
it means no one to say goodnight.
it means no one to ask you how you’re feeling.
it means no one to give you a hug.
it means spending the weekends alone or searching for someone to spend time with.
it means days go by and no one knows if you are ok or not.
it means reading over and over again how everyone else gets such joy and happiness out of their children, but wondering if you’ll ever be lucky enough to do the same.
it also means reading over and over again how much people take their children and significant others for granted.
it means slapping a smile on your face pretending you want to be attending events alone, yet again, after all these years.
it means not having a partner.
it means all decisions fall on your own shoulders all the time. (it’s a heavy weight to bear)
it means if you’re hungry, you have to decide what you want, where to get it, what to make and do it. (sometimes its just easier not to eat)
it means if you’re sick you have to go to the store and get what you need for yourself and take yourself to the doctor.
it means you may not leave a legacy.
it means watching everyone else have what you want and wondering what you’ve done so wrong that’s not letting you achieve your dreams.
it means the life you have now may be the best you ever have.
it means being alone all the time.
i’m tired of looking at the bright side.
i’m tired of others who have everything i want, telling me it’s not that bad.
i’m tired of waiting for what i’ve wanted for more than 33 years.
i’m blessed like hell to have calen & leah & their soon to be born sibling (aka Thing 3) to fill this void on the day-to-day, but it won’t ever make up for having my own real home life and family.
maybe reading this post can shed some insight to those who just can’t relate or understand.
*footnote* i wrote this post to point out how i live day to day. i’m okay, i’m not in danger. i’m not extra sad. no one needs to do anything. i’m seeing a therapist. i’m taking medication. writing has become the best medicine in the world lately. i appreciate any worry, but that’s not why i’m putting this out there. i thought about it and realized that so many people just don’t understand what it really means to be 37, single and childless. ~ traci xoxo