i have a secret

I have a secret.

It’s not something I’m proud of.

There aren’t many who know about it.

It’s weighing me down.

It hurts all day every day.

It started 995 days ago.

Approximately, 2 years 8 months and 22 days ago.

I have a secret.

He was the love of my life.

He put me back together without even knowing it.

He made me whole again.

He made me believe in myself.

He helped me to be comfortable in my own skin.

He made me believe there was good in the world.

He showed me I deserved to be treated with respect.

He never hurt me.

He respected me always.

I have a secret.

For 6 years, 2 months and 17 days, I haven’t known this world without him.

I want to move on, but I can’t.

I want to let him go, but I can’t.

I want to be able to, but something stops me.

I have a secret.

I feel responsible. He has no one else.

I have a secret.

My heart hurts at the idea of not having him in my life.

My heart hurts with him in my life, but not how I want.

I have a secret.

I love him.

He loves me.

So why is he a secret and why aren’t we together?

We don’t want the same things.

Yet we can’t seem to let go of each other.

I have a secret.

No one has ever shown me unconditional love before.

No one has ever stood by me and been my support 100% before.

I have a secret.

I can’t let go, even though I know I have to.

It’s like holding the string of the balloon as you watch it start to lift up in the air just out of your reach.

How do I say goodbye to someone who’s been all those things to me?

How do I pack up those 6+ years into a box, and put them on a shelf like they don’t matter?

I have a secret.

I wake up each day hoping that it’ll be different.

That today will go back those 995 days to Nov 2009 and we will be together, in love and happy again.

That today will be THE day he realizes all he’s missing.

That today he will realize he too can’t live without me.

That somewhere deep inside himself he will realize that the life I want IS the life he wants.

For 2 years 8 months and 22 days we have been each other’s friends & family and nothing more.

I have a secret.

This, what we’re doing now, is killing me. Slowly.

I can’t be strong anymore.

I can’t keep doing this.

I can’t pretend anymore.

I can’t keep this secret anymore.

I want to move on, I just don’t know how.

I’m tired of being stuck.

I don’t now how to tell someone who treats me so well to go away.

I don’t want to hurt him.

I don’t want to see him hurt and know that I’m the one who did that.

But I need my space.

I need to heal.

I need to get unstuck.

I need to focus my time and energy on finding that someone who does want what I want.

And then the tears start and I miss him all over again.

Because I don’t want to start over.

I didn’t want to 995 days ago, and I definitely don’t now.

But I want to be married.

And I want a baby.

And if I want to be with him, he does not want those things.

He’s been honest and upfront since I met him.

I just always thought he’d see how happy he was and want those things too.

He treats me like gold.

He would do anything for me.

Except that.

Marriage & family.

I was 30 years old when I met him.

I’m 37 now.

I need to move on, but I can’t.

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2 Responses to i have a secret

  1. Heather says:

    Amazing post Traci. So raw and vulnerable. Just amazing. Xo

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