i realized i was comfortable being me.
i don’t need outside validation anymore.
i used to crave that.
i don’t know if finding myself made that something i don’t need anymore or if because i spend so much time in my own head, alone, i’ve learned to validate my own self. unless one of the other voices does it first. just kidding!
yesterday i shared my blog with my parents.
they were so proud.
my mom’s words were so thoughtful. she was so complimentary. she pointed out the design, the layout. things i wouldn’t have thought she would even notice, but she did. and don’t get me wrong, it means the world to me, but, i realized as i read and re-read her email back that her approval, it doesn’t mean everything. it feels great, but it’s not everything.
my blog has been a part of me for over a year and a half now. it’s taken some twists and turns. i’m still figuring out what to use it for and what my voice is. i have so much in my head and so many stories to tell i often get overwhelmed about where to begin and what to tell first. hence it’s taken me 37 years to take my writing to heart.
I’ll be honest, i was scared to death to share my blog with my parents. terrified doesn’t begin to describe it.
they don’t know much about blogging, nor twitter and they’re not Facebook fans. so i didn’t know what kind of response i was going to get. and because of my history and struggles with low self-esteem i always assume the worst. but as part of my introspection on my birthday, i’ve made a commitment to myself to write, and i committed to a domain; a home for my blog, so i decided it was time to at least mention to them that it existed.
sometimes i think they don’t have much to be proud of about me.
they don’t see me like i am now, who i am now, and I think our relationship suffers. i WANT them to. i try to show them the adult i’ve become. the person that everyone else sees. sometimes i think they are starting to get to know me for me, but then other times i’m not so sure. but last night, reading the words on my blog, they read the words of an adult. they respected the words they saw and somehow everything changed.
i’m not a parent so i don’t know, but, i’m fairly certain my parents can’t look past the thumb-sucking, braces and pigtails when they see me. i always assumed it would change when i had children of my own, i guess that’s a blog post to be written in the future! 😉
they never asked, but i am a firm believer that this is my blog, a place for me to share my feelings, thoughts, opinions and perspectives, but i also feel strongly that it’s not a space to air dirty laundry. these are my stories to tell and share, but i feel it’s important to keep some things private. i’m actually a fiercely private person. i share what i want to share and what i’m comfortable sharing, in life, on fb, twitter and here on this blog.
i guess i wanted them to see that it was real.
i wanted them to see how pretty it looks.
i wanted their validation like always. and it does feel good to get it, i won’t lie. it’s not something i’m used to from them. when you’re 37 and single without kids it’s hard not to feel like you’ve failed your parents. constantly. over and over. on a daily basis. it’s hard to not feel like you’ve ruined every hope and dream they had for you when you were born.
when i hit send on that email yesterday i WAS nervous and boy did i hesitate. i didn’t tell anyone i was going to do it. i just decided out of respect, they deserved to hear about it from me. again. see, i was sure they’d disapprove so i wanted to forewarn them and prevent any drama.
but something amazing happened last night. something i’ve struggled with since i learned to talk. i got the approval i wanted. better than i could’ve imagined. supportive. encouraging. and somehow, some way, finally the outside approval isn’t as important to me as it once was.
today i can write this and say, i’m honored my parents took the time to see what i’ve been up to.
i’m proud that they approve and that they are impressed. but it finally doesn’t matter what they think, what anyone thinks. it matters what traci thinks, because i am proud of my writing. i’m enjoying writing again and most importantly it fulfills me and gives an audience to the voices in my head! ~ traci xo