omg. i’m like a toddler.

i’ve learned something new about me in the past 10 days or so. it’s something i’ve always known, but didn’t realize HOW much it affected my anxiety, my moods and my overall well-being.

i hate change and i don’t transition well.

i told my mom she should blame my preschool since that’s one of the BIGGEST things learned throughout the preschool years! LOL.

this is not new for me, but i don’t enjoy “just waiting and seeing”, i don’t appreciate “just flying by the seat of my pants”, and i most definitely am not a fan of “let’s just wait and let what happens happen”. i am literally incapable of any of those things.

with this comes the annoying feeling of not being able to not know what’s coming next. i’m a planner. a Type A. i need to know what to expect and then i can handle anything. it’s the not knowing or feeling ill prepared that i cannot handle. i hate the the deer in headlights feeling.

a simple example, if i knew i had something unpleasant to do a month from now, i’d spend a month dealing with how much i wasn’t looking forward to said unpleasant event, and then when the event actually happens, i can handle it because it doesn’t seem AS big a deal as i had made it in my head.

now, as i read this, i know this must sound crazy to some, but it’s my process. it’s how i’ve coped. as long as i can remember i’ve done this. i’m not sure if it’s trained a result of the way i was raised and how my mom spoke to my brother and i and kept us in the loop all of the time (she’s an over communicator too) or if it’s just a traci-ism, and that it’s part of who i am. either way, knowing it and being aware of it, IS helpful.

most of the time i CAN control situations so that i know what to expect and i can plan accordingly and not get caught off guard. i’ve learned to stop myself. take a deep breathe and try and just accept things the way they are when i can’t.

maybe that’s why i’m so efficient with the kids, i’m a schedule and regimentation person. as are all children. they like to know what’s coming next, it makes them feel safe. i have our routine choreographed to the minute almost! it helps me, and it totally helps them too. i’m not so regimented that i can’t stray from our usual plans, sometimes it’s fun to indulge them or treat them to something different, have evening plans, but overall, i am very good at keeping them and me on a schedule.

it makes me feel safe.

i remember my therapist cheryl (cheryl the shrink i call her, but she’s just a therapist. it’s just always sounded funny to me!) telling me that i’m the kind of person that is more efficient when she has less free time, and less efficient when i have lots of free time.

i guess in some ways i see this as a weakness or a fault. something to be embarrassed about. or even ashamed of. i don’t know if it is or isn’t. i think knowing about it helps me control the anxiety and know when to just step back and accept i cannot change this situation or make it better right now.

i’m smack dab in the middle of a time in my life where a lot of things are out of my control. i’ll be honest, i’m not handling it well. i need to try harder. for the kids, for the people around me, for my own self and for the fact that there are just some things you can’t plan for and need to be able to fly by the seat of your pants for!!

ironically, i’m amazing in emergencies! but that’s a completely different post! 😉

happy wednesday! ~ traci xoxo

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