Today has been a wretchedly hard day. I wish I could explain why. But the why doesn’t really matter. What matters is I’m sad. I’m sad to my core. Sadder than I have ever really been. And I can’t shake it. I can’t let it go. I can’t look on the bright side and I can’t come up with a plan, which is what I normally do in these sorts of situations.
You see, I’m struggling because I’m 36 (almost 37) and not married and I don’t have a baby of my own.
It’s what I’ve wanted more than anything since I was 3 years old. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up it was always a mommy. Nothing else mattered. And here I am, the last of my friends to be single, the last of my friends to have a child, yet the one with the most experience raising children. It’s just so unfair.
I do not begrudge others their happiness AT ALL, I am so happy for all my pregnant friends and all my mommy friends, but I’m sad. I’m jealous. I want what they have. I want to gain entrance to this exclusive club I’ve longed to be a part of called motherhood for my entire adult life.
My job is a double-edged sword. Those children have taught me more and given me more unconditional love than I’ve probably shown them. There have been days I never thought I could go on, and yet I did, because of those two little people who count on me and would miss me and need me. And on the day-to-day, they fulfill that void inside me that hurts. That emptiness I long to fill. They make me whole again, just by being them. And the weekends come and I can sleep in, or stay up late and not worry about sleeping through the night or waking up before the sun. I have the freedom of a single person but get to be a part of the lives of these amazing little beings who I am a part of helping to raise.
But then real life slaps me in the face. I see my pregnant friend gravitating towards her other married mommy friends just because she’s now gained entrance to “the club”. I hear her friends say, “oh we can play WWF or text while we’re up for our 3am feedings!” and it dawns on me, “I may know 10x as much as any of them when it comes to raising a baby or child, but, I’m still not in THAT club”. And that’s what hurts the most. That feeling of sheer and utter disappointment. That feeling of loneliness. That feeling of wanting something so badly it physically hurts but it’s just out of my reach.
I have to believe god has a plan. It’s all that keeps me going. Some days it’s harder than others to believe that, but I try really hard. I try to stay positive. I try to see the gifts I have in my life. I try not to focus on all that I’m missing out on. I try to believe that there’s a reason for this. But sometimes it just gets me down.
I don’t want to be an “older” mom.
I don’t want to be too old to see my children grow up.
I don’t want to have to raise my kids when all my friends have moved to the teenage years and I’m just starting out.
That clock is ticking and with every tick I get less and less hopeful and more & more stuck in despair.
I don’t have any answers. And I’m sure you don’t either. I’m sorry for the depressing post but I just needed to get it out. I want to be able to shake this off but right now, I just can’t.
Hopefully tomorrow I wake up and today’s sorrow is just a momentary lapse.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring promise and hope again.
Hopefully tomorrow I can see life for its blessings and not what I’m missing.
Either way, it’s one foot in front of the other, right?