life changers

there have been a few very defining moments in my life and they aren’t what you’d expect. not my bat mitzvah, my first period, my high school graduation nor my first sexual encounter. not getting my driver’s license or taking my first trip to NYC. they were the moments where a tiny piece of my childhood was shattered. the times that i was forced to realize that ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t always happen. these were single events, monumental to someone in my life that have affected me so greatly i think about them all the time. maybe too much even. to say they shattered my innocence would be true. the cynicism i have come to be full of wasn’t always there. but i’ve recently realized how each of these things has rocked my world, made me question my beliefs and most importantly forced me to question god.

two months ago a very dear friend lost her baby.  she was full term, went into labor, blood was present.  he passed away before they could get him out. i truly don’t know how to rectify this in my head. it feels so senseless. so sad. why did this happen to them?? i know that i could never live thru something like this, i’d rather die. to carry a baby to term, feel him growing inside you. name him. dream about the life you want for him. and then have that all gone before he could even take his first breath outside of the womb. and the grieving won’t end…..this was supposed to be his first year of life. i know i will be thinking about him at easter, this summer at the beach, next fall, thanksgiving, and of course christmas. they were gonna be a family of four. this was to be the year of firsts for baby finn.

at 35 years old i never thought about any of this before happening to me or anyone i knew. i felt that if you were sensible and had your baby in a hospital with doctors and nurses you and your baby would be fine. i never knew that a healthy pregnancy, that went full term could ever not result in a healthy baby. and yet here we are. this isn’t about me and my sadness. it’s more about the helpless feeling i feel right now. why did this happen? what could they have done that was so horrible that they are being punished in the most horrific way ever? why are there crackpots out there and drug addicts and abusers who god allows to give birth to happy, healthy babies? how does she move on from this? how does she wake up each day and find peace that THIS was gods will? and how does one explain to a 3-year-old she IS NOT in fact going to be a big sister.

the first such a moment was on a friend’s 30th birthday when she miscarried their baby while in Hawaii. they went on to have 3 beautiful children, but I can’t let it go. i will forever remember that phone call, from her husband. i had never heard a grown man cry before. i remember this day as if it was yesterday when in actuality it was nearly 15 years ago now. i think this rocked me so hard because it was the first time i’d handled something so grownup. i was only 20-years-old, and never had a friend pregnant before.

the next was when my best friend and her husband ended their marriage. one day he came home and told her he just didn’t love her anymore. by all accounts they had everything anyone would have ever wanted. except he’d been cheating on her and deceiving us all. i trusted him. and to be so wrong about someone who i had allowed into my life and my inner circle has made me feel as violated as if he’d raped me. i always thought a deceitful husband that cheated looked differently than he did. it has made me question everything and everyone in my life and in the 4 years since, and i’m not sure a day has gone by that i haven’t questioned it. and i realized recently that i have let very few new people, if any, into my life since this happened, i just can’t trust anyone anymore.

the third such event was last summer, someone i had known and envied thru high school lost her mom in a tragic car accident. she was a year ahead of me and she was popular, and pretty, and from a good family. she had a hot, popular boyfriend and i would’ve given anything to be like her back then. over the past two years i’ve had the opportunity to get to know her as a human being, off of the pedestal i’d put her on and came to really enjoy and appreciate her as a friend. i had watched the accident on TV over and over and over again that day on the news not realizing someone I knew had gotten the call everyone always fears regarding a loved one. up until now no one I knew had lost their healthy, happy mom who just drove to take a yoga class on a Monday morning.

these are the kinds of moments that have changed me.  they’ve molded me into the cynic i am.  they have affected me more than anything else has.  to say i’m a compassionate person is an understatement. sometimes i feel as if i feel too deeply.  too much.  i hope that i continue to find ways to use this to be a better person, a better friend.

not a day goes by that these things don’t cross my mind and affect how i live my life. and while its tough work being this sensitive and concerned all the time and cynical, i can’t change who i am.  i can’t change what experience has done to me. and what living life and taught me. i’d like to say i have no regrets in life and that IS true. i don’t regret any aspect of MY life, i just accept it.  its what’s made me who i am today, and i’m starting to really like that person. 🙂


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1 Response to life changers

  1. Pingback: celebrating life while mourning the loss | Traci Talks Back

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